Thursday, May 28, 2009

So, it's obviously been a while since I posted here. I haven't had much to say, to be honest. I am frustrated. I hope that I can convey what I am feeling without completely confusing anyone or freaking people out. To be completely honest, I am writing more to help me sort things out than anything, so be patient with me.

We've heard nothing on Ellie.




Two weeks ago, we were told that the documents needed to be submitted for court were finally in. Last week, we were supposed to actually be submitted. Yet here we are, almost at the end of May, and still no court date.

Some days, I start to worry. I start asking "Am I really meant to be a mom again?" "Did God ever intend for us to have a little girl?". You know the questions that creep in when you are trying your best to hold it together. I know it's Satan, so don't go worrying that I am having doubts about Ellie. Quite the contrary.

I am so tired of hearing people say that Ellie will be here "in God's timing". Maybe I am wrong here; I'm no scholar after all. But I don't think that everything happens just like He wants it to. After all, if it did, wouldn't Adam and Eve still have been in the Garden? I can think of other instances too, but that came to mind first. Quite frankly, I don't believe that God wants Ellie to be in that orphanage for one more minute, much less one more day, month, year.....I believe that He wants her here, at home, with her family. But it's not happening right now, and I can't make myself believe that it's God that is waiting.

I understand how the process works. I don't hold grudges at all against the government procedures; I get them. But that doesn't keep my heart from hurting because I want her here, and she is still there.

I trust that God led us to Ellie. No doubt about it. I knew the moment that I first saw her picture that she was ours. I just knew. Can't really explain it any other way. Some things are just known within you. And I know that one day she'll be here. I'll even go so far to say that when she is here, all of what I am feeling today will melt away and not matter at all.

But today, I hurt. I miss her. I want her room to be filled with her, not just books, clothing and pretty things. I want my little girl. I can hear Bryan upstairs right now. I want to hear her too.

Pray for us please. This is harder than I ever anticipated. I appreciate how you have covered us in prayer.

Maybe soon we will hear something good....