Healing Day

June 21st is a holiday in our home. I've talked about it before, but some of you (of all 10 of you who read) may not realize the significance behind this holiday. So, let me explain.

About 4-5 years ago, Bryan was diagnosed with an inactive colon. Simply put, he had no muscle tone in his colon, so simple things like going to the bathroom were not simple for him. Little did we know how horrible that problem could be. He endured (embarrassing) treatments for about a year and a half or two years, but none were successful. We were at the point of having to go into the hospital over night for treatments every few months... NOT a fun thing for a young boy!

After much prayer and a couple of professional opinions, we decided to allow Bryan to undergo a fairly new treatment option in which a tube would be implanted into his upper colon, by way of his appendix. Through this tube, we would be able to "flush" out his colon and keep it clean, with the idea that when clean, the colon could heal itself and regain its muscle functioning. It seemed our only hope at that point, and we trusted his doctor (our hero!)

In July of 2006, just before the start of his 6th grade year, Bryan had his surgery. Right off, things were going well. Then in September, he developed an abscess that ruptured. We were back at the hospital for emergency surgery. I can't tell you how afraid we were. I am a nurse; I know the dangers of a ruptured abscess, and Bryan was a very sick boy! I sat by his side in the hospital, praying over him and asking God to heal him. It was at his bedside then that God began to work in my heart to give Him complete control in my life, and stop worshipping my child instead of Him.

Bryan recuperated from that surgery, but in December of 2006, he was back in the hospital for surgery #3 due to another infection that had developed. I think it was February that brought surgery #4, after Bryan accidentally pulled out the tube (yes, that was GROSS), and Surgery #5 came in April from yet ANOTHER infection. We finally said to our doctor that we could not continue to go through this ordeal anymore.

The year had taken its toll on our family. We were tired from constant doctor's visits and hospital stays. But our (mine and Jeff's) tiredness did not even hold a candle to Bryan's. He was depressed, a completely different person. He no longer smiled. He had a fever for 11 solid months before it was all over and done with. He hurt constantly. He was becoming bitter, believing that God was not hearing his prayers to heal him. If I'm honest, I wondered myself if God had heard our prayers.

On June 21, 2007,, Bryan underwent surgery for the 6th and final time to have his cecostomy tube removed (along with his Appendix which had a hole in it from the tube being anchored there). The doctor warned us that he had likely not gotten to use the tube enough for it to be effective. He also warned us that Bryan had endured so much infection that he would likely have to remove part of his colon during the surgery. We were scared, wondering what we would do next if this had not worked. But really, we just wanted our son back.

Bryan went into surgery that morning, and a couple of hours later, Dr. Iocono came out with a huge smile on his face. He said that Bryan's colon "looked like any healthy 11 year old boy's should". It had looked like "the colon of an 85 year old man" when this started. Not only that, but NONE of the colon had to be removed. He was perfectly fine!

He has NEVER had a problem with his colon again.

EVER.

We know that the hand of God was at work in the operating room that day. I know fully that God could have chosen to heal Bryan before any of these surgeries began. He could have healed him after the ruptured abscess. But He chose to give us a miracle by allowing us to walk together through that year, through all 6 surgeries and the HORRIFIC treatments that were in between. He gave us a miracle in that we knew He was surely with us, comforting us and giving us Hope and Peace and Grace. And by His grace, He chose to heal Bryan completely in the end.

The truth is, He could have chosen NOT to heal Bryan. And He would still be God. And He would still be good and worthy of our praise.

I thank God every day for the miracle of Bryan's health and life. I thank Him for the testimony of God's healing and faithfulness that Bryan has to carry with him forever. I thank Him that Bryan's hope is restored again. He smiles again.


I thank Him for the invaluable lessons He taught me during that journey. I thank Him for Who He is, not just what He has done.

Healing Day is our way of saying "we recognize what you did and what you continue to do, God. We won't forget".


So, how about you? What holidays are you celebrating? How are you commemorating God's faithfulness to you?

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

I've been blessed to not only be raised by a great dad, but I also married one. He's pretty darn HOT too!

I love you Jeff... you are a wonderful dad to our two miracles! I hope you know how much you are loved and celebrated every day!

Becoming Radical

I've wanted to write this post for a while, but there was a part of me that wanted to hide it because I felt some shame about it. I hope you'll get that as you read. Just know that I've spent hours in prayer about what I want to say here, and I hope that you'll hear my heart. More importantly, I hope you'll hear my Father's heart.

We brought Ellie home 10 months ago. We actually met her 10 months ago today. My life has not been the same since. Before meeting her face to face, God was already changing me from the inside out. But seeing her face to face, and holding her tiny body in my arms did something I can't explain. It was very much like what He did in me when I held Bryan for the first time.

Many people have asked me over the past 10 months if I can imagine life without Ellie here. For a long time, I felt ashamed to say "yes". But if I tell the truth, I CAN still imagine life without her here. I didn't say that I liked what I imagined, but perhaps not for the reasons you think. Most people ask that, thinking that my answers will be all about me not being with her, me not having her to hold, me not having the little girl I've always wanted.

I don't like to imagine life without Ellie here because I wonder if she would still be sitting in that orphanage too scared to talk, not playing, not singing, just existing. I wonder if she'd still be living, carrying the five parasites and perhaps even more by now in her already-too-thin body. I wonder if she'd feel the despair of loneliness or if she'd be able to recognize that is what she was feeling. I wonder if she'd still be battling the memories of her past alone, or if she would ever find someone there in Ethiopia that she trusted enough to tell her story to. I wonder if her eyes would still be deep and endless with uncertainty like we saw in so many pictures of her.

I wonder.

Yes, I do wonder what I would do without having to pick up hundreds of hair beads every day that the cat loves to play with. I do wonder what I ever did with all of my spare time before she was with us. I wonder what I did with all of this extra love that was inside of me. I wonder what it would be like to still ask for a table for 3. But all of those latter "wonderings" are just selfish- all about me and my desires. And well, I don't want to be a selfish person anymore. Period.

Some have been surprised by my answer of "yes, I can imagine not having her here". For a long time, I simply said "no, I can't" and left it at that. But that wasn't true. I have tried to explain it to people, but I have failed miserably, leaving them thinking that I haven't bonded with Ellie or that I don't love her.

To be honest, I have felt like I haven't bonded with her, and I've even shamed myself at times into thinking that there was something wrong with me because of how I've felt. I mean, what kind of mom says that they can imagine not having their child??? What in the heck is wrong with me, right??????

I promise this is going somewhere... stick with me.

I've been listening to a sermon series by David Platt called the Radical series. I highly recommend it. One of the scripture passages that I've been studying along with him is from Luke 14:25-35. In verse 26, Jesus says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sister- yes, even his own life- he cannot be my disciple". Folks, that is RADICAL talk!! HATE our parents, our children, ourselves??

This seems contradictory to what the Bible says in other places, when it tells us to Love one another. And for the record, No... God does not want us to hate our family. But.... When that love for others in our lives is compared to our love for God, it should be so much less that it looks like hate.

And so, I get (finally) to my point.

When Bryan was 3, we learned that we could not have other children. In fact, we lost 4 to miscarriage. I was heartbroken, to say the least. But instead of leaning on God, I leaned on Bryan. It was wrong, and I have confessed that. I'm telling you that I worshipped that child, not God. I told myself that if I could only have Bryan as a child, then he was going to have everything from me, and he did. I didn't necessarily give in and buy everything for him, but he got the best of me and my time- over Jeff, over family, over work, and yes, over God. And it was wrong. Dead wrong.

God has revealed to me that I am learning, and I an changing. I am finally at a place where God is indeed GOD alone. Jeff is not in that place. Bryan is not. And Ellie is not either. My feelings for her are deep and beautiful and full of love that I never knew I could feel. Yet, I do not worship her. I've been feeling as if I were messed up because I wasn't feeling for her like I felt for Bryan at that age. But the truth is that I didn't need to feel for her what I felt for him then. That was wrong, and I'm trying so hard to be a follower of Jesus, not the world. I'm becoming radical. It started when we said "yes" to God's call to adopt, and yet it reaches far beyond Ellie into the very depths of who I am, who I was made to be in Christ.

I hope that when people think of me, they think "now there's a girl that loves her husband and her children". But mostly, I hope that they think, "Now there is a girl that loves her Lord, Radically".

How about you?? Are you radical too?

40 Days of Prayer for the Orphan!!

Please join me in this wonderful movement, as we go to the throne on behalf of the 147 million orphans in our world. Click on the link for a prayer guide for the 40 days.

My heart is passionate about the orphan, not because of Ellie, but because the Word of God tells me it should be. I pray that yours is too!

The Pain of Parenting...

Last weekend, we took our first family trip out of town (other than to visit family) since Ellie has come home. It was her first time in a hotel since being home with us. She was excited at first about sleeping there. She thought it was "awesome" that we were all going to sleep in the same room. She had worn herself out during the day, so she went to sleep before we ever finished singing our goodnight song.

When Ellie woke up, Jeff had gone out for a run, and Bryan was still asleep. The room was still dark, thanks to the wonder of darkening shades! Ellie popped her head up by my bed, and said "Good morning!", just like she would any day at home. She climbed up in bed beside me, but instead of hugging me, she just started sobbing.

My first thought was that she was scared because we were not at home. She kept repeating that she was "so sad", but every time I asked her why, she only responded "I can't say it!". I held her and held her while she sobbed. I cried along with her, whispered to her that I loved her. When she was finally calm enough to talk, she said "Mommy, we don't have any food here. We can't eat".

That sweet baby girl thought that we were not going to eat all day because there was no food in our hotel room. I immediately explained to her that we were going to breakfast as soon as Jeff got back. I have never gotten ready so fast in my life! Ellie cried until the pancakes she ordered were placed in front of her and cut up, then proceeded to gorge herself by eating every bite on her plate (more than I ate even!)

It struck me as I watched her stuff herself that she wasn't sure that she would eat again that day. She was making sure that she had enough in her to last a good long time just in case there was no more. She has been with us for 8 months, and yet, she still does not expect from us that we will feed her AT LEAST three times a day, every day. It is instilled deep within her that she should not expect it.

My heart was broken, not only at the thought of what horrors had she lived through to come to that place, but also at the fact that there is so much of her life that I had no part of, that I could not protect. There is a part of her life that was hurtful, and I don't know what all is there yet. There are deep wounds in her life, and I could not stop them from happening. My "momma instincts" say that I should have protected her, fed her, kept her from all hurt.

But I couldn't. She had to endure the hurt of her birth mom making a plan for her adoption, a plan that for Ellie included some time in the care of other family members who hurt her, time in places where she had no food for who knows how long. It was a plan done out of a love that I cannot fathom, if truth be told. I have such great admiration and love for Ellie's birth mother. I believe with all of my heart that her birth mom loves her completely, and that her acts were the most unselfish thing I've ever witnessed. But they still hurt.

And then I read this: "From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?', which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:45-46)

Jesus felt abandoned, alone, fearful even when he was about to die on that cross. I'm sure in his humanness, he had to wonder "why?". Maybe he was thinking "How is this going to work for good?". Yet, God, in His infinite wisdom, was working a plan. He willingly let Jesus go through that hurt, knowing that in the end, Jesus would sit at His right hand, with his Father. He would never hurt again. He would be HOME.

And as I read that, I realized that Ellie's journey is just beginning. She has walked a road of courage WAY beyond her years, Grace that is beyond my imagination, determination and strength that could only be of the Lord. She has survived, only by the Grace of God. And I believe in my heart that God wanted me to see that He understood my pain at not having been there to stop her hurt. Because He didn't stop Jesus' hurt either.

I believe that His ways are perfect. I believe that He has a purpose and a plan to prosper Ellie (Jeremiah 29:11), just as He does all of us. I believe that He wants me to celebrate each and every moment with her, even the ones where she is afraid, sad or confused.

Especially those moments. For now, I AM here to comfort her.


Oh God, thank you for speaking so clearly to me and for letting me know you understand my momma's heart. You are a parent too, God. Thank you for having a heart that breaks at your Son's pain and death on the cross, but also for your adopted sons and daughters who try to do life without you every day. Thank you for listening and teaching when things don't make sense to me. Thank you for reminding me that you love me deeply, that you love my children deeply, more than I could ever begin to understand. Thank you for protecting Ellie from whatever could have come her way. Thank you for instilling within her the spunk and grit to make it through. Thank you for allowing her to be a little girl now, to not have to fend for herself anymore. Help her to realize that she is safe here, that she will always be fed here. Remind her that she is at Home now. Thank you for blessing me with this amazing family that I could never deserve. You are awesome and mighty, and I praise you Lord. Amen

Running the Race...

I am currently engaged in what is likely the most difficult thing I've ever challenged myself to. It's hard, grueling even. It's rewarding, yet takes more of me than I ever imagined possible. It's fulfilling, yet has stripped away much of the wall I had built around myself. It's beautiful and ugly all at once.

I am training for a mini marathon that will be held on April 24, 2010.

I am not a runner by nature. I am nowhere near it, if truth be told. Sadly, I've spent the past years (lots of them) sitting on the sidelines, feeling as though I wasn't worth being in the race at all... any kind of race.

But no more.

In the past couple of years, God has healed so many hurts in my heart and my life. He has truly renewed in me a steadfast spirit (Psalm 51). He has taken hurts from my past and allowed them to be used for good now. He has restored me. He has placed people in my life that have taught me that it's okay to be real, and that I can risk being vulnerable. It's been slow and painful, yet it's been beautiful. I feel whole.

Many of you know that in my past is sexual assault/abuse. I've never talked about it here, but I feel the need to do so now. Some of you may have walked that road as well. If so, know that you are not alone. Know that healing is possible and worth the work! Part of my journey has caused me to doubt myself, and that's one of the greatest parts of healing. I'm learning again the worth that God gives me through His Son. WOW... I'm amazed at how much He loves me!

This April marks 20 years since I was assaulted. In the years since that time, April has been hard to face. It brings back memories that are hard to handle sometimes, even after all of these years. A few years I have been sad, disconnected, defeated.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR!

This year, I am whole, content, connected, ready to face the memories, knowing that they are just that.. memories. And memories cannot hurt me! So, I will run. I will run for the joy that God has restored in me. I will run for the freedom I feel in Christ. I will run to celebrate the pure joy that my family gives to me each and every day. I will run to show all other survivors that God heals all, and you are not the abuse you have endured. You are more than that. I will run to celebrate the fact that I am beautifully made in the image of the Creator of all that is and is to come.

I will run as a praise to God. Each step of that 13 miles will be a worship experience. I will run what I can, walk when I need to. And I will smile, knowing that God has brought about more healing and restoration in me than I ever dreamed possible.

Pray for me. I'm afraid. I doubt my ability to finish, yet I will persevere.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hunders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". Hebrews 12:1-2

A letter to my children...

This week at work, I overheard a conversation between a mother and her two children, in which she told them "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Don't worry, kids. Mom can make you happy no matter what. Let's go to Walmart, then McDonalds". My heart was broken from that conversation. There is NOTHING at Walmart or McDonalds that will ever bring about lasting joy. Happiness if temporary sweet friend. Anyway, all of that led me to spend some time thinking about what it is that I have taught my children that I desperately want for them. So, here it is...

Dear Bryan & Ellie,

You may find it hard to believe what I'm about to write here, but please hear me out before you freak out!

As your mom, I have many things that I want and pray for in your lives. But, I do NOT want you to be happy. (I told you it would be surprising; hear me out here!)

For the past year or so, God has really been dealing with me on this, the idea of being happy in life. And the more I've learned, the more I want to pass along to you, my legacy. You see kids, happiness is something that is determined by your situation in life. It's fleeting, to say the least. I'm happy when I get a good buy on a sweet purse. But a purse will never change my life. I'm happy when you pick up your toys or dirty clothes. But when you don't, where does that leave me? Happiness is a great thing, don't get me wrong; it feels good. Real good. But when I think of what it is that I want most for your lives, it's just not there.

I've watched both of you experience happiness. Bryan, you are happy when you get a drum beat down or when you get the "okay" on having a band practice here at the house. But what about those days that we can't have your friends over, or the beat is too hard to perfect in one practice session. What do you feel then? Ellie, you are happy when you are getting beads in your hair or getting a book read to you. But what about the times we have to tell you "no" about the book or whatever it is you want to play? Will your happiness fade with each "no" you get in life?

Really kids, it's not that I don't ever want you to experience happiness; it's just that it's not my goal for you to be happy all of your lives. And I don't want it to be your goal either. I never want to watch you spend your life chasing after something that is always contingent on your surroundings. Because let me tell you, your surroundings will change all the time, from year to year, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment.

So, what DO I want for you?? Well, for one thing, I want you to be CONTENT.

Contentment is so much better than happiness, kids. Seriously better. Contentment is that crazy thing that makes us still smile, even though we didn't get our way, didn't get a raise (in allowance or at work), didn't finish a project when we had hoped, when a friend treats us not-so-friendly, when we have to do homework instead of play, when we can't go out to eat because we are doing the Dave Ramsey thing. Contentment comes from within. And within those of us who have a relationship with Christ, the Spirit of God is living in us. THAT is what gives contentment kids.

In Scripture, Paul went through some tough times... some would say horrible times. Yet, he said this.. "I've have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want". (Phil 4:11b-12)

That is what I want for you kids. I want you to be at peace with your Father, no matter what the world is throwing your way. There will be times in your life when everything you touch works well. And sadly, there will be times when nothing seems to go your way. Yet God is always the same, always with you, always loving you, always forgiving. That gives contentment. My prayer is that you learn to grasp that in your lives.

Contentment leads to spiritual maturity, I do believe. It helps us to realize the blessings of our lives. It is never going to be the materialistic things in life that give you peace, joy and fulfillment. Only God can bring about lasting contentment. I pray you are able to find it. Life is one heck of a ride, kids! Make each moment count!

I love you,
Mom~