Gotcha Day~

then...














now...




I can hardly believe it's been a year since I first held my baby girl! On one hand, it feels as if I blinked, and the time was gone. On the other hand, I look at the progress she has made in a year, and I'm astonished that she could learn so much in just 12 months.

Last year, on this night, I was sitting in a little guest house room in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, staring across the room at this beautiful and TINY stranger who was my daughter. I felt awe and wonder and fear and confusion all at once.

Tonight, I have conflicting emotions again. On one hand, I feel utter gratitude. Earlier, I stood for a moment and stared at this little girl that I now know inside and out and thanked God for the gift of her in our lives. I can't explain how I've been changed in the past year. People tell us all the time what a wonderful thing we've done for Ellie. The truth is that SHE is the one who has done something for us. It's not unlike the changes I went through when Bryan first came into this world. He changed so much about who I am. Ellie has been no different, for sure. I'm not the same person I was on August 9th, 2009.

On the other hand, I sit here tonight feeling complete thankfulness and some sadness for Ellie's birth mother, Tigist. I wish I could sit and have a cup of coffee with her and tell her that her baby girl is fine now. I wish I could show her that she is no longer too thin, that she has plenty to eat and clean water to drink. I wish that she could have heard Ellie singing "How Great is Our God" today on the way home or watched her dance around the table in her tutu tonight before bed. I wish she could hear Ellie say, "I love you mom" to her. She must wonder about her; I know she loves her. I could see it in her eyes one year ago today when I had the privilege of meeting her. I wish that I could tell her all of the funny things that Ellie does. I wish I knew if Ellie cocked her head to the side when she was thinking hard because that what Tigist does.


Ellie knows the story of her birth mom, at least what she can understand for now. She looks at her picture and smiles brightly, exclaiming "that's my other mommy!". I love that! There is no jealousy at all in me when she asks about her. I'm forever indebted to this beautiful lady across the world, and I'm thrilled to teach Ellie about the beautiful sacrifice she made out of love.

Lest anyone gets the wrong idea, today was certainly not a sad day in our home! We let Ellie pick the place for dinner (McDonald's of course!), then came home to have a tea party with the cupcakes Ellie made last night. She also had a celebration with her friends at daycare as she took them cupcakes too! There were balloons (her favorite) and a new tutu for a present! We celebrate that she is home with us forever! We celebrate that her story is the story of what God does for all of us when He redeems us and brings us into His family.
Thank you Abba, for adopting me as your daughter. Thank you for using our journey to bring Ellie home and this precious year with her, to remind me every day of your unimaginable love for all of us. Thank you that your plan is to never leave any child alone, that you desire to set the orphan in families. Thank you for choosing us, for choosing me, and for letting me rejoice in the gift of this sweet sweet family you've given to me.



Happy Gotcha Day Ellie! I'm so glad you're my girl! We love you... forever and ever and ever.

Happy 17th!

17 years ago right now, I was getting ready to go to bed for the last night as Holly Johnson. There were a million thoughts running through my mind... what if I fell walking down the aisle at the wedding? What if he said "No"? (Not a chance!)What if I didn't know how to be a wife? (does anyone ever know that at the beginning?) What if I don't like sharing a bed with someone? What if he snores? What if I snore?

But I can tell you that one question that never crossed my mind was "What if it doesn't last?" I knew without a doubt that it would last until death. That was part of the deal. This was not something we were going into without much prayer and thought. We were committed.. not only to one another, but mostly to God. We made a promise that the "d" word would never enter our home, and it hasn't. We've never uttered that word to each other, not even in jest. There's no place for it here.

Seventeen years later, we are still honeymooning. We are still head over heels in love, just like we were on August 7th, 1993. We're both a bit grayer. We're wiser than we were (thank you Lord!). But we are CRAZY in love!

So, in honor of 17 precious years together, here's a list of 17 things that I love about my man and our marriage.

1. After 17 years, he still gives me butterflies when he kisses me!
2. He still opens all the doors for me
3. I still love the way he serves me.
4. I still love love love serving him!
5. We still date. And often!
6. He still kisses me first when he comes home.
7. He tells me I'm beautiful, and he means it.
8. I believe I'm beautiful because God said it, but I love hearing it from Jeff!
9. We're coffee snobs with cool mugs.
10. Our kids are fantastic and bring us much joy and satisfaction.
11. We worship together.
12. We share our dreams and hopes together.
13. My favorite spot in the world is right next to him.
14. We have plans for the future that excite me!
15. We are passionate about helping to combat poverty around the world.
16. We have a marriage worthy of bragging rights. I'm proud of us.
17. God is now, and has always been, the center of our marriage. That's why we work.

Folks, I don't kid around about this. I know too many people with marriages that are broken or hurting. It breaks my heart that not everyone can share the kind of love and joy we have here. But it's not because Jeff and I are so special. It's because GOD IS. Without Him, we're just two people trying to make it. With Him in the center, we can't fail.

I love you Jeff. I love doing life together. I love waking up and knowing you'll be right there beside me that night again. I love knowing that you love God more than me, and I love loving Him more than I do you. It's what makes us tick, and we tick rather well! You are my best friend, my love, the one who calms me, makes me laugh til I cry, the one I want beside me forever.

I'll love you forever,
Bird~

My intentions...

I am officially on vacation. I go back to work on the 26th of this month. Perhaps it will look like this????

Happy Daughter Day!

One year ago...
~ you were an orphan

~you had no clothes of your own

~your name was Kedest X

~ you were unsure of your next meal

~ you didn't know how to play with friends

~ your eyes were filled with uncertainty

~ you had no idea how awesome a big brother could be

~ you were waiting for Mommy & Daddy

Today...
~ you are an orphan NO MORE

~ your favorite thing is to choose which dress and shoes you'll wear for the day

~ your name is Ellie Kedest Prosser, meaning "shining light" (Ellie) and "holy" (Kedest)

~ you love to eat, and you are learning to trust there will always be plenty for you

~ you spend your days with friends, laughing and having fun.. like a little girl should!

~ your eyes are filled with wonder and excitement

~ you think your big brother hung the moon~

~ you have a Mommy & Daddy at your side always and forever

On July 2, 2009, the Ethiopian courts declared that Kedest X was ours. She has had 365 days of being Ellie Kedest Prosser, and we've had that long of calling her ours. It's a beautiful thing, and we can't say thanks to the Lord enough for entrusting her to us. We have had 365 days of being oh so grateful for the sacrificial love of Ellie's birth mother, Tigist, whom we will forever love and cherish. My heart has been torn for 365 days with the love of this precious girl and the knowing that her birth mom will never have the joy of knowing her like I do. I am simply not worthy of this gift.

So, on this day, we give thanks to the Father of all, who created this child and formed her in her birth mother's womb, then lovingly placed her in our arms. Praise be to God alone!


Psalm 68:6- God sets the lonely in families.

Healing Day

June 21st is a holiday in our home. I've talked about it before, but some of you (of all 10 of you who read) may not realize the significance behind this holiday. So, let me explain.

About 4-5 years ago, Bryan was diagnosed with an inactive colon. Simply put, he had no muscle tone in his colon, so simple things like going to the bathroom were not simple for him. Little did we know how horrible that problem could be. He endured (embarrassing) treatments for about a year and a half or two years, but none were successful. We were at the point of having to go into the hospital over night for treatments every few months... NOT a fun thing for a young boy!

After much prayer and a couple of professional opinions, we decided to allow Bryan to undergo a fairly new treatment option in which a tube would be implanted into his upper colon, by way of his appendix. Through this tube, we would be able to "flush" out his colon and keep it clean, with the idea that when clean, the colon could heal itself and regain its muscle functioning. It seemed our only hope at that point, and we trusted his doctor (our hero!)

In July of 2006, just before the start of his 6th grade year, Bryan had his surgery. Right off, things were going well. Then in September, he developed an abscess that ruptured. We were back at the hospital for emergency surgery. I can't tell you how afraid we were. I am a nurse; I know the dangers of a ruptured abscess, and Bryan was a very sick boy! I sat by his side in the hospital, praying over him and asking God to heal him. It was at his bedside then that God began to work in my heart to give Him complete control in my life, and stop worshipping my child instead of Him.

Bryan recuperated from that surgery, but in December of 2006, he was back in the hospital for surgery #3 due to another infection that had developed. I think it was February that brought surgery #4, after Bryan accidentally pulled out the tube (yes, that was GROSS), and Surgery #5 came in April from yet ANOTHER infection. We finally said to our doctor that we could not continue to go through this ordeal anymore.

The year had taken its toll on our family. We were tired from constant doctor's visits and hospital stays. But our (mine and Jeff's) tiredness did not even hold a candle to Bryan's. He was depressed, a completely different person. He no longer smiled. He had a fever for 11 solid months before it was all over and done with. He hurt constantly. He was becoming bitter, believing that God was not hearing his prayers to heal him. If I'm honest, I wondered myself if God had heard our prayers.

On June 21, 2007,, Bryan underwent surgery for the 6th and final time to have his cecostomy tube removed (along with his Appendix which had a hole in it from the tube being anchored there). The doctor warned us that he had likely not gotten to use the tube enough for it to be effective. He also warned us that Bryan had endured so much infection that he would likely have to remove part of his colon during the surgery. We were scared, wondering what we would do next if this had not worked. But really, we just wanted our son back.

Bryan went into surgery that morning, and a couple of hours later, Dr. Iocono came out with a huge smile on his face. He said that Bryan's colon "looked like any healthy 11 year old boy's should". It had looked like "the colon of an 85 year old man" when this started. Not only that, but NONE of the colon had to be removed. He was perfectly fine!

He has NEVER had a problem with his colon again.

EVER.

We know that the hand of God was at work in the operating room that day. I know fully that God could have chosen to heal Bryan before any of these surgeries began. He could have healed him after the ruptured abscess. But He chose to give us a miracle by allowing us to walk together through that year, through all 6 surgeries and the HORRIFIC treatments that were in between. He gave us a miracle in that we knew He was surely with us, comforting us and giving us Hope and Peace and Grace. And by His grace, He chose to heal Bryan completely in the end.

The truth is, He could have chosen NOT to heal Bryan. And He would still be God. And He would still be good and worthy of our praise.

I thank God every day for the miracle of Bryan's health and life. I thank Him for the testimony of God's healing and faithfulness that Bryan has to carry with him forever. I thank Him that Bryan's hope is restored again. He smiles again.


I thank Him for the invaluable lessons He taught me during that journey. I thank Him for Who He is, not just what He has done.

Healing Day is our way of saying "we recognize what you did and what you continue to do, God. We won't forget".


So, how about you? What holidays are you celebrating? How are you commemorating God's faithfulness to you?

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

I've been blessed to not only be raised by a great dad, but I also married one. He's pretty darn HOT too!

I love you Jeff... you are a wonderful dad to our two miracles! I hope you know how much you are loved and celebrated every day!

Becoming Radical

I've wanted to write this post for a while, but there was a part of me that wanted to hide it because I felt some shame about it. I hope you'll get that as you read. Just know that I've spent hours in prayer about what I want to say here, and I hope that you'll hear my heart. More importantly, I hope you'll hear my Father's heart.

We brought Ellie home 10 months ago. We actually met her 10 months ago today. My life has not been the same since. Before meeting her face to face, God was already changing me from the inside out. But seeing her face to face, and holding her tiny body in my arms did something I can't explain. It was very much like what He did in me when I held Bryan for the first time.

Many people have asked me over the past 10 months if I can imagine life without Ellie here. For a long time, I felt ashamed to say "yes". But if I tell the truth, I CAN still imagine life without her here. I didn't say that I liked what I imagined, but perhaps not for the reasons you think. Most people ask that, thinking that my answers will be all about me not being with her, me not having her to hold, me not having the little girl I've always wanted.

I don't like to imagine life without Ellie here because I wonder if she would still be sitting in that orphanage too scared to talk, not playing, not singing, just existing. I wonder if she'd still be living, carrying the five parasites and perhaps even more by now in her already-too-thin body. I wonder if she'd feel the despair of loneliness or if she'd be able to recognize that is what she was feeling. I wonder if she'd still be battling the memories of her past alone, or if she would ever find someone there in Ethiopia that she trusted enough to tell her story to. I wonder if her eyes would still be deep and endless with uncertainty like we saw in so many pictures of her.

I wonder.

Yes, I do wonder what I would do without having to pick up hundreds of hair beads every day that the cat loves to play with. I do wonder what I ever did with all of my spare time before she was with us. I wonder what I did with all of this extra love that was inside of me. I wonder what it would be like to still ask for a table for 3. But all of those latter "wonderings" are just selfish- all about me and my desires. And well, I don't want to be a selfish person anymore. Period.

Some have been surprised by my answer of "yes, I can imagine not having her here". For a long time, I simply said "no, I can't" and left it at that. But that wasn't true. I have tried to explain it to people, but I have failed miserably, leaving them thinking that I haven't bonded with Ellie or that I don't love her.

To be honest, I have felt like I haven't bonded with her, and I've even shamed myself at times into thinking that there was something wrong with me because of how I've felt. I mean, what kind of mom says that they can imagine not having their child??? What in the heck is wrong with me, right??????

I promise this is going somewhere... stick with me.

I've been listening to a sermon series by David Platt called the Radical series. I highly recommend it. One of the scripture passages that I've been studying along with him is from Luke 14:25-35. In verse 26, Jesus says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sister- yes, even his own life- he cannot be my disciple". Folks, that is RADICAL talk!! HATE our parents, our children, ourselves??

This seems contradictory to what the Bible says in other places, when it tells us to Love one another. And for the record, No... God does not want us to hate our family. But.... When that love for others in our lives is compared to our love for God, it should be so much less that it looks like hate.

And so, I get (finally) to my point.

When Bryan was 3, we learned that we could not have other children. In fact, we lost 4 to miscarriage. I was heartbroken, to say the least. But instead of leaning on God, I leaned on Bryan. It was wrong, and I have confessed that. I'm telling you that I worshipped that child, not God. I told myself that if I could only have Bryan as a child, then he was going to have everything from me, and he did. I didn't necessarily give in and buy everything for him, but he got the best of me and my time- over Jeff, over family, over work, and yes, over God. And it was wrong. Dead wrong.

God has revealed to me that I am learning, and I an changing. I am finally at a place where God is indeed GOD alone. Jeff is not in that place. Bryan is not. And Ellie is not either. My feelings for her are deep and beautiful and full of love that I never knew I could feel. Yet, I do not worship her. I've been feeling as if I were messed up because I wasn't feeling for her like I felt for Bryan at that age. But the truth is that I didn't need to feel for her what I felt for him then. That was wrong, and I'm trying so hard to be a follower of Jesus, not the world. I'm becoming radical. It started when we said "yes" to God's call to adopt, and yet it reaches far beyond Ellie into the very depths of who I am, who I was made to be in Christ.

I hope that when people think of me, they think "now there's a girl that loves her husband and her children". But mostly, I hope that they think, "Now there is a girl that loves her Lord, Radically".

How about you?? Are you radical too?