This morning, as I was walking out the door for work, my sweet daughter looked into my eyes and said, "I really really really wish you were coming to my picnic today at school". She didn't say it to make me feel guilty; she said it because she really really really wishes I could be there. She wants my presence.
Wednesdays are my day off. Yesterday, while home I spent my time "catching up" on grading all of Bryan's home school work. We had breakfast together and talked, and he said, "I like when you're here". I'm pretty sure he likes it because I cook for him, but I appreciated the words nonetheless.
These days I'm torn. I'm torn between kids that I love dearly and want to spend all the time with I can while they're still in our home and a job that I take pride in. Actually, it's more than that. This job really doesn't feel like a job to me most days (except on the days when it's only 8:30AM and I've already been cussed twice!). It feels like I'm doing something worthwhile most of the time, like I'm making a difference in the lives of others. And I tell myself that it's okay if I miss out on a few things for my kids because I'm needed here too.
But lately, I find myself questioning, "Am I just fooling myself? Am I making excuses so that I can continue to work and have this paycheck? Is it worth this paycheck?" We have our house on the market, and we've discussed my quitting and staying home when it sells, but then the thought of Bryan going to college in just a year and a half makes me question if quitting a good job right now is all that great of an idea.
What I know is this. I'm tired. I work part-time in the office and full time at home, and I'm tired. I feel spent. Between work, being a mom, driving lessons for Bryan, gymnastics for Ellie, teaching on Thursday nights, mentoring, church, cooking dinner, grading homeschool, etc etc, I've lost a bit of me in there it seems. I find myself feeling more and more like I'm doing a lot of things halfway and nothing really well. And if you know me, you know that I don't like doing anything halfway.
I don't know the answer here. I've prayed.. a lot. I haven't heard anything. Maybe it's because I'm not listening well. Maybe it's because He hasn't answered yet. Either way, I'm still here, still spent.
But I know this. My God is enough. My God is faithful. My God is a better parent than I am. And He loves me just as I am. Even in my not-so-proud mom moments of missing out on the things I really want to be at. Did I mention I am missing Ellie's preschool graduation because it's when our Ethiopia trip is scheduled??? Even when I completely lose it and yell or pout. Even when I just get grumpy and want to cry. Even when I give my kids cereal for dinner because the thought of cooking another meal right then makes me want to explode.
He is enough. Thanks be to God.