Fearless

When I was a little girl, my brother used to tell me there was someone or something hiding in the closet. It was an effective way to get me to be quiet for sure, and perhaps that’s why he did it. Suffice it to say, I was scared of what may come creeping out of that dark closet. As I grew, I began to understand that there was nothing to be scared of in between the clothes and toys, and that sometimes brothers are just mean to younger sisters (believe me, I’m sure I deserved it!)

As I got older, fear of dark closets was replaced by a fear of bees, wasps and really anything that flew around and buzzed. My neighbor, Charlie, amazed me at his ability (AND DESIRE!) to hold a wasp in his bare hands without ever getting stung. I vividly remember asking him to do it again and again. I thought he was one of the bravest people around for that stunt. Today, I kinda just think he was nuts! 

When I got to college one of my biggest fears was spiders. Ok, I’m still afraid of spiders. My first year of college, I went on a date with a guy I met at school. We were both from Louisville and home on the same weekend, so we made plans to go out. He asked me over to his house to meet his family, then had plans for a movie. I met his folks and they left for the evening, so he and I were hanging out until time for our movie. I was standing in his hallway looking at family pics and trophies from his younger days when I felt something on my shoulder. I thought he had just tapped me, so imagine my shock when I looked to find a GIGANTIC TARANTULA on my shoulder! 

I wet my pants, y’all. Seriously. 

We spent the next hour doing my laundry in his house after I showered and borrowed a pair of his sweatpants. No movie that night.. or any night after that. (My momma didn't raise a fool)

Fear is a funny thing (or not), isn’t it? I have an aunt who is crazy fearful of cats. I know people whose lives are crushed by the fear of being in a crowd. My daughter has a fear of dogs that prevents us from going to houses with dogs unless she is 100% sure they are put up. It’s an understandable fear for her, but it disrupts her ability to be with people sometimes. 

That’s what fear does; it disrupts. 

Two years ago when I prayed about what my word for the year would be, I felt the Lord tell me “fearless”. I embraced it. That year, among other things, I put on a bee suit and worked with a friend who has beehives, actually finding the queen in the midst of hives! I started thinking in terms of “conquering fears”, and it felt good. Really good. 

In December of 2017, I felt the Lord telling me to keep that same word for 2018. It didn’t make any sense to me. I’ve never kept the same word two years in a row, and I couldn’t understand what the Lord was doing. I thought I had done well with embracing fearlessness in 2017. Was the Lord telling me that I hadn’t done well after all? What was up? But whatever the reasoning, I knew He was telling me “Fearless is your word. Trust me”. 

Little did I know what was coming. 

We were in the midst of making some awesome plans for an anniversary trip to Hawaii, and I decided that getting in a shark cage would fit in perfectly with my “fearless” year. So, I found a place, and we made reservations. And I assumed that was that; I’d prove my fearlessness in a cage surrounded by sharks. 

But God had other plans. He began to move in our hearts as we prayed in January “God, are we where you want us to be?”. For 19 years, He’d answered that prayer with “yes. You are in Richmond KY where I want to use you”. And it was good. So very good. But in January of this year, He began to stir in us that there was something else, someplace else. And so we prayed. 

 Little did I know how much a simple text from one of the pastors at Hillvue Heights Church would change my life and challenge all I had learned about what it means to be fearless. This church was asking for Jeff to come to Bowling Green KY to serve on staff. Not only were we talking about a move across the state, but we were talking about Jeff going back to church staff! I was afraid. Our lives were comfortable, and I had loved the past 6 years of Jeff serving in ministry outside of a church staff. What if things weren’t as good and as comfortable? (this cracks me up now. Following Jesus isn’t supposed to be comfortable!!)  What if the church didn’t like me? What if the church expected me to have the same gifts that Jeff has? What if Ellie didn’t make friends? What if I didn’t make any friends? What if we never met anyone else who would play Settlers of Catan?? What if BG didn’t have a good coffee shop? (ok, they don’t have a Purdy’s, but I digress) What if there was no place for me there? What if I lost myself in this move and crashed into depression and resentment that I’d followed Jeff somewhere and was left without anything? 

Fear had crept in. It was crippling me, if I’m honest. We obeyed the call that we KNEW was from the Lord. And we showed up in Bowling Green with a suitcase and some toiletries and nothing more because our house hadn’t sold yet. We walked into the church that first week, and I was terrified. It had been almost 20 years since I’d walked into a church where I didn’t know almost everyone. And the Lord met me there. As the music started, I heard His sweet whisper saying “thank you for obeying. It’s going to be an incredible ride”. When waves of fear crept up, I could literally feel him crushing them back down with a simple “I’m in control; I’ve got this. You can trust me”. 

And I can. 

And so can you. 

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have this down yet. I still feel the fear sneaking in sometimes. In the stillness of the night, as I’m laying in bed, I still feel the lump rise in my throat, and more times that I like to admit, the tears roll down my cheeks, and I just cry into Jeff’s shoulder. But I’m finding more and more that those tears are for homesickness and not fear. And for that I’m so very grateful. 

I don’t know about you. I don’t know what fears you’re wrestling with. Maybe you’ve been called somewhere new. Maybe you’ve been called away from a job you know and love well. Maybe you’re being called back into the workforce after a time away, and it terrifies you to think about that. Maybe you look at your bank account and wonder how it will ever be enough, and you feel the fingertips of fear around your throat, threatening to choke you. Perhaps the doctor has looked at you with sadness and regret at having to tell you the bad news of a diagnosis that you never wanted to hear, and you feel the smothering cloth of fear covering your mouth to suffocate you. Maybe you’re watching with trembling as your children make decisions that could have devastating consequences on their lives, and you feel the grip of fear rise out of the depths of water to pull you under. I don’t know your story. 

But I know my God. And He is able. 

He is able to conquer my fear and yours, my friend. He is able to destroy the walls that fear builds around your heart. He is able to crush the mountain of doubt and terror that stands in front of you and seems impossible to get over or around. He is able to navigate the path out of fearfulness that is hidden by the overgrowth of fear and unbelief. 

He. Is. Able. 

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who stumble and fall Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fail. Though war break out against me, even then will I be confident”. (Psalm 27:1-3)

Lessons from the lotus flower...

When we were in Hawaii recently, I saw may beautiful things (duh), not the least of which were the gorgeous flowers around the islands. The smells were incredible, so sweet and strong. But one of my favorites was the lotus (I believe some in Hawaii call it the water lily as well). I’ve been thinking about that flower a lot, as I’ve recently done some reading about it. And then last week, a friend sent me some gorgeous photos of lotus flowers she had just taken, and I knew I had to write out some thoughts. 

It’s no secret that life has been a bit “hectic” for us lately (hello, captain obvious!). Three weeks ago, we moved to a new city, new church, new school, new everything. We left behind a life that we absolutely loved. I have done my fair share of grieving these past few weeks. But amid that sadness and homesickness, the Lord is using the lotus flower to teach me some pretty incredible things. 

The lotus flower will only grow in the mud. It lies buried under the water until sunlight comes in the morning, and the plant rises through the mud and the pond water and ultimately blooms into a beautiful pink or white flower. It’s not hindered by the mud and water around and over it; in fact, it THRIVES on those things. When the sun goes down, the flower closes and the stalk sinks back under the water for the night, only to rise again the next day.

Maybe you see where I’m going here. I’ve discovered that I really don’t embrace change as much as I thought I would because it’s terribly uncomfortable and well, if I’m honest, I’d prefer to live in my comfort any day of the year. But beauty doesn’t often come from comfort, does it? In my life, I’ve come to see that the most beautiful things I have are those which came through pain, trials, effort, tears, sweat, fervent prayers, aches, work, waiting… Things like a marriage that has endured the ups and downs of life and is thriving. Things like children born through pain, given through hardship, and loved fiercely through the fires of life. Things like confidence in who I am because I’ve walked through the murky waters of self-doubt and fear. Or the beauty of true JOY because I know what it’s like to walk through sadness and depression and not wanting to be here anymore.  I can celebrate joy of knowing I’m seen and loved wholly as I am because I’ve thrown off the cloak of shame over my life. 

The “mud” in our lives often leads to the most beautiful things we could imagine. And yet, time and time again I would choose not to walk through it. It’s hard to walk through mud, isn’t it? Literally and figuratively, it’s just hard. It requires effort and strength. Sometimes we feel like we just don’t have it within us to get through that mud, don’t we? Well, I’m sorry to burst any bubbles here, but we don’t. On our own, we can’t do it. It’s just not possible in our strength. 

And yet…

My God is so faithful. Just as he raises the lotus flower, he raises me. Just as he made that beautiful flower to flourish in the mud and murkiness of the pond water, he has made me flourish amid the “muddy” and “murky” things in my life. And he has made you that way too. His strength provides the means to rise above what could hinder us in life. His love provides the ability to hold our heads above the water and bloom where we are- even if that happens to be in the middle of a dirty pond. His sacrifice on the cross allows us to see this life with eternal perspective, knowing that what we are enduring is just for a little while- the morning will come, and we will rise to bloom again. 

So, if you’re like me right now and find yourself in a season of uncertainty- if you’re just not quite sure of why God has planted you where you are, and if you’re wondering if he has forgotten to reveal his purpose to you, HOLD ON. The morning is coming, and just like the lotus flower, he will lift us up out of the waters and make us bloom. Our lives will give off the sweet smell of a God who loves us wholly and eternally and perfectly. No storm can rip us from his grip. No trial can imprison us from his will. No chains can hold us down. No doubts can erase his purpose and plan for us. 

In a season of uncertainty, I’m so very grateful to know that I am in my Father’s steady arms. I know this because I am his adopted daughter, one of his very own children. If you don’t know that for yourself, I’d sure love to tell you more about it. God is for you, my friend. He loves you with an everlasting love. You can trust him. 

Go bloom, friends. I’m praying for you today…

Photo Credit: Shannon Wyatt

28 years...

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the over wrought heart and bids it break.” (William Shakespeare, Macbeth)

 It's been 28 years today

336 months

 1460 weeks

  10,220 days

  245,280 hours

Suffice it to say, it's been a long time since I was raped in the parking lot of my high school. Today's weather is remarkably similar, a slight chill in the air but sunny nonetheless. I'm listening to a bird sing outside my window right now, and I can actually remember hearing the same thing the morning I was raped as I walked out of my house to go to school. Little did I know how that night would end. 

If I sit here long enough, I could likely detail every moment of that day...the test I took in Mr. Weidmar's class, the songs we played in jazz band, the clothes I was wearing that day...all of it. And yes, I can recall every detail of the act of rape itself, even after 28 years. If I allow myself to dwell on those memories, I can get to a really dark place. Just because time has passed, don't think that the hurt isn't still there. It is, and it's raw and gnawing. 

In years past, I've approached this day with more joy, feeling grateful for my healing and so thankful for how the Lord has restored me completely. I've rejoiced that my suffering hasn't felt like it was in vain because I've had the honor of sitting with countless other ladies who have walked this road too, and I get to tell them that healing is possible. I STILL FEEL ALL OF THOSE THINGS. 

But this year has been different for some reason, Maybe it's the "me too" movement. Maybe it's all the media about sexual violence. Maybe it's something altogether different; I really don't know. But what I do know is that I'm sad this year. I'm not depressed and ready to kill myself. I'm not weeping hysterically all the time. I'm not secluding myself in my room and eating chocolate until I fall into a sugar coma. I'm just carrying about my life with a sadness in me. 

AND THAT IS OK. 

I'm learning that it's ok to walk through these kinds of seasons. My sadness doesn't mean I'm not healed. On the contrary! I would argue that my sadness is a sure sign of healing- I'm allowing myself to feel the pain I stuffed down for years as I struggled to make sense of what I'd endured. No more stuffing here. I'm sad, and it's ok to say that. It's ok to feel that sadness. It's ok to cry (gasp!) It's ok to let others see that just because I'm healed and whole and redeemed and no longer a victim, I can still feel great sadness over the loss I endured at the hands of that man. 

Healing isn't removing all the memories or pain. Healing is learning that those memories and pain have no power over you anymore. And today, I can assure you, these memories have no power over me. The Lord has overcome, and He has healed me. 

A friend shared a  song with me recently, and it has become my anthem of healing. It's called "I'm No Victim" by  Kristene DiMarco, and it is beautiful. Here is the bridge:

I am who He says I am

He is who He says He is

I'm defined by all His promises

Shaped by every word He says

I can choose to be defined by the act of rape or the words whispered to me during that act. I can choose to be defined by the choices I made in the aftermath of the rape, the dysfunctional ways I handled the trauma. I can choose to be defined by what some in the world would call me- damaged, defeated, wounded beyond repair, a victim. I can choose to be defined by my own fears and frustrations. I can choose to be defined by only the memories of the pain. And yet... I CHOOSE to be allow the Lord to define me. 
I choose to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by him (Psalm 139).
I choose to believe that I can live fearlessly because He is my light and my salvation (Psalm 27).
I choose to believe that I am a friend of God (John 15:15).
I choose to believe that I am made new (2 Corinthians 5:17). 
I choose to believe that I am found holy and blameless before the Lord (Ephesians 1:4). 
I choose to believe that I have been made alive in Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5). 
I choose to believe that the peace of God guards my mind (Philippians 4:7) and that He will supply all my needs (Philippians 4:19).

I can't end this without saying this: If you have been raped or assaulted or if you find yourself in a dangerous relationship today, don't stay silent. Speak up and get help. If you need me to point you to some good options for help, I'd be happy to do so. If you're struggling with believing you're worth the effort it takes to heal, let me assure you that YOU ARE. And I'll happily  believe it for you until you're ready to believe it yourself. Don't wait any longer to take the first step to healing. It is possible. You do not have to be defined by what happened to you any longer. I'm living proof. 

To God be the Glory for that truth....