Thursday, May 28, 2009

So, it's obviously been a while since I posted here. I haven't had much to say, to be honest. I am frustrated. I hope that I can convey what I am feeling without completely confusing anyone or freaking people out. To be completely honest, I am writing more to help me sort things out than anything, so be patient with me.

We've heard nothing on Ellie.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zilch.

Two weeks ago, we were told that the documents needed to be submitted for court were finally in. Last week, we were supposed to actually be submitted. Yet here we are, almost at the end of May, and still no court date.

Some days, I start to worry. I start asking "Am I really meant to be a mom again?" "Did God ever intend for us to have a little girl?". You know the questions that creep in when you are trying your best to hold it together. I know it's Satan, so don't go worrying that I am having doubts about Ellie. Quite the contrary.

I am so tired of hearing people say that Ellie will be here "in God's timing". Maybe I am wrong here; I'm no scholar after all. But I don't think that everything happens just like He wants it to. After all, if it did, wouldn't Adam and Eve still have been in the Garden? I can think of other instances too, but that came to mind first. Quite frankly, I don't believe that God wants Ellie to be in that orphanage for one more minute, much less one more day, month, year.....I believe that He wants her here, at home, with her family. But it's not happening right now, and I can't make myself believe that it's God that is waiting.

I understand how the process works. I don't hold grudges at all against the government procedures; I get them. But that doesn't keep my heart from hurting because I want her here, and she is still there.

I trust that God led us to Ellie. No doubt about it. I knew the moment that I first saw her picture that she was ours. I just knew. Can't really explain it any other way. Some things are just known within you. And I know that one day she'll be here. I'll even go so far to say that when she is here, all of what I am feeling today will melt away and not matter at all.

But today, I hurt. I miss her. I want her room to be filled with her, not just books, clothing and pretty things. I want my little girl. I can hear Bryan upstairs right now. I want to hear her too.

Pray for us please. This is harder than I ever anticipated. I appreciate how you have covered us in prayer.

Maybe soon we will hear something good....

5 comments:

CHRISTY said...

Holly,
I am praying for you. I know the wait is so very hard and I know it seems so senseless when you have a heart and a home waiting to welcome her. I am praying that you will hear good news soon and that in the mean time, God will comfort you in very tangible ways. I can tell you that you are right about one thing. Very soon, when Ellie is home, the pain of this wait will be a very faint memory and a very precious part of Ellie's story. Be strong my friend!

Darcy said...

Oh, Holly! How I wish she were home with you and that you did not have to go through this pain, frustration, disappointment and countless other emotions you are feeling right now. I respect the fact that you documented this as it is so real and so much a part of adoption.
Having documented the emotions you are feeling at this very moment will serve as reminder to you later of God's plan all along and will also let Ellie know how much she was loved and wanted before you ever held her in your arms!
We pray that God will give you the comfort to get through this difficult time!
Darcy

Jo Ann said...

I know you are lonely and miss your little girl and want her home with you. I believe that it is God's plan for her to be home with you, Jeff, Bryan and all of us and I pray that will come to fruition very, very soon. Your dad and I are praying that God will comfort our daughter until her daughter comes home...We love you all... Mom and Dad

KentuckyAngel (Vicki) said...

Holly,

Without saying, you know I pray for this, and I cried as I read your frustration. Like I told you the other night....I admire you so much as you have handled this far better than I ever could!!!! You have the patience of Job, but...you are human..and tired...so this is just a normal emotion. My arms are there around you in spirit! I love you!!! Vic

Chris, Terri, Matt and Mark said...

Oh Holly - the wait stinks! There's no doubt about that! I hope you hear soon - know that I think about you guys all the time and pray for faster processes in all countries and of course, I pray for Ellie too!

Terri