This past Sunday, Christians all around celebrated Easter, also known as "Resurrection Sunday". We set aside a day to celebrate the miraculous work of Jesus on the cross.
I love Easter. I love the focus on the victory over death. But what about all the other days? How do we celebrate resurrection in our every day lives?
Let me start by saying that the resurrection was not only for Jesus' life. It is for ours as well. It saddens me to see so many Christians walking around with no hope, overcome by the things of this world. We don't have to live like that, friends. Here's what the Bible says, "For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives". (Romans 6:4) I really like how another translation puts this, "...so that we too might [habitually] live and behave in newness of life".(Amplified bible)
It is time that we really do live and behave in the newness of our life with Christ. It's time to put away worry because He has it all under control. It's time to stop trying to play the role of God and trust the One who is the Great I AM. It's time to stop living as if we have no hope and instead take Him at his word and grab hold of the abundant life He desires for us.
I know there are hurts out there. People are sick. People very dear to me are struggling with major health concerns. It's hard to watch that happen and not be overcome with fear. People all around us are suffering with hunger, oppression, disappointment, depression, selfishness, pride, loneliness, bitterness, and on and on. But friends, hear this: Jesus has overcome that! His work on the cross was enough to overcome every single one of our fears. Every. Single. One.
His work on the cross was for you, my friend.
It's cliche' of Christians to say things like "Just give it to God", I know. But really, give it to him. Whatever it is that you're holding on to, whatever has you bound up in fear and worry, whatever you're holding more firmly than the hand of Jesus... I beg you to give it to him today. I promise that His hands are big enough to hold whatever you will give.
I also promise you that He redeems every single broken thing that we lay before him. My life is living proof of that. I'll end with this example:
Most of you know my story, that I have a history of rape. It was 24 years ago this saturday, April 26th, that I was raped. Some dates you just don't get out of your head. For years, I approached that day with trepidation. Even though I have forgiven and feel "ok", I couldn't help but be reminded of the hurt. Well, this year, on April 26th, I'll have my first book signing for "Colling with Grace" , a book that tells the story of my healing. God is redeeming even that day for His glory. And friends, He LONGS to do the same for you.
The resurrection wasn't just for that day in that time. The Resurrection is for you. Right here. Right now.
What's holding you back from living in the Resurrection power?
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Ethiopia Water thoughts...
I'm tempted to apologize for not posting sooner about the water project in Ethiopia this summer with One Child Campaign. However, I have spent the past couple of months thinking, praying, meditating, pondering in my heart all of the individual moments of our time there. I needed that time. God needed me to have that time. Now I'm ready to tell, so I pray you're ready to read. More than that, I pray you are changed as I try to put in words what we experienced.
Korah is a community on the outskirts of Addis Ababa. It's a community of unwanted outcasts of society. It's a community built on a trash dump. It's a community of dirt, filth, smells, hunger, disease. It's a community of some of the most beautiful people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. It's a community of HOPE.
When we arrived in Korah, I was immediately overcome with love for these people. They had nothing of material value, yet it was so obvious that they were wealthy, rich in love. I was able to listen to their stories- stories of leprosy, HIV, death, desperation, hopelessness, fear. And I heard over and over again, "But then you came to us. God sent you to us, and now we have great hope because of Jesus".
We were able to spend time with the ladies of Mission Ethiopia, hearing the stories of these beautiful ladies and how God has redeemed their lives. One by one, they told us how "before I had this work (with Mission Ethiopia), I did not have time to do what I love most which is praise God". I was humbled by those words. They have haunted me every day since then.
One of the first things we did in Korah was to test their water to see what impurities were there. It was positive for fecal matter. Really, is there anything else to say? These beautiful faces, forced to drink water infested with human waste in order to survive. I will never forget the moment that I showed the Pastor there what our test had proven. With tears in his eyes, he looked over at his beautiful little girl and said "She has been drinking that?".
Oh, but the story does not end there, my friends!
It was our honor to give this small section of Korah a water purifier. In just a few hours' time, we taught them how to work the system and chlorinate water to get rid of the impurities they were currently drinking. They were eager and fast learners, drinking in all of our explanations, ready to demonstrate what they had learned. And in just a few hours, we were standing there witnessing our new friends taking their very first drink ever of clean, pure water. The Pastor looked at me, with tears flowing down his face and said "She doesn't drink that anymore". This is church, folks!
We placed this purifier at the local church. You see, Korah doesn't need to think that some white people with money from America came in to give something to them. What they need is to see the local church providing their needs. After all, that's what the local church is really about, isn't it? Once they are meeting the physical need of clean water to the people of Korah, they can then teach them about the LIVING WATER. beautiful.
My heart is still soaring from that day. Even now, we are preparing and raising funds for the next water project in Ethiopia. You see, although what we were able to experience this summer was great, the need is still greater. Others need clean water too. They need food, clothing, sustainable income, medicine, love, compassion, hope. Our eyes are indeed open, and we cannot quit now. We want to now work to empower other local churches with the ability to meet the needs of their communities as well.
By the standards of this world, these folks are poor. But by God's standards, they are rich indeed. I've never seen a rich man smile as brightly as these children. I've never seen eyes that sparkled quite so brightly as the eyes of the lady telling of how she was now free to praise her Savior all day as she worked to provide for her family. I've never before seen anyone Smile from ear to ear as he talked of being imprisoned for sharing the Gospel, then tell me that "it's my honor to suffer for Jesus". But I did there. And it has changed me.
I'm changed to the very core of my being.
And I beg God to never EVER allow me to go back to the person I was before.
Korah is a community on the outskirts of Addis Ababa. It's a community of unwanted outcasts of society. It's a community built on a trash dump. It's a community of dirt, filth, smells, hunger, disease. It's a community of some of the most beautiful people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. It's a community of HOPE.
When we arrived in Korah, I was immediately overcome with love for these people. They had nothing of material value, yet it was so obvious that they were wealthy, rich in love. I was able to listen to their stories- stories of leprosy, HIV, death, desperation, hopelessness, fear. And I heard over and over again, "But then you came to us. God sent you to us, and now we have great hope because of Jesus".
We were able to spend time with the ladies of Mission Ethiopia, hearing the stories of these beautiful ladies and how God has redeemed their lives. One by one, they told us how "before I had this work (with Mission Ethiopia), I did not have time to do what I love most which is praise God". I was humbled by those words. They have haunted me every day since then.
One of the first things we did in Korah was to test their water to see what impurities were there. It was positive for fecal matter. Really, is there anything else to say? These beautiful faces, forced to drink water infested with human waste in order to survive. I will never forget the moment that I showed the Pastor there what our test had proven. With tears in his eyes, he looked over at his beautiful little girl and said "She has been drinking that?".
Oh, but the story does not end there, my friends!
It was our honor to give this small section of Korah a water purifier. In just a few hours' time, we taught them how to work the system and chlorinate water to get rid of the impurities they were currently drinking. They were eager and fast learners, drinking in all of our explanations, ready to demonstrate what they had learned. And in just a few hours, we were standing there witnessing our new friends taking their very first drink ever of clean, pure water. The Pastor looked at me, with tears flowing down his face and said "She doesn't drink that anymore". This is church, folks!
We placed this purifier at the local church. You see, Korah doesn't need to think that some white people with money from America came in to give something to them. What they need is to see the local church providing their needs. After all, that's what the local church is really about, isn't it? Once they are meeting the physical need of clean water to the people of Korah, they can then teach them about the LIVING WATER. beautiful.
My heart is still soaring from that day. Even now, we are preparing and raising funds for the next water project in Ethiopia. You see, although what we were able to experience this summer was great, the need is still greater. Others need clean water too. They need food, clothing, sustainable income, medicine, love, compassion, hope. Our eyes are indeed open, and we cannot quit now. We want to now work to empower other local churches with the ability to meet the needs of their communities as well.
By the standards of this world, these folks are poor. But by God's standards, they are rich indeed. I've never seen a rich man smile as brightly as these children. I've never seen eyes that sparkled quite so brightly as the eyes of the lady telling of how she was now free to praise her Savior all day as she worked to provide for her family. I've never before seen anyone Smile from ear to ear as he talked of being imprisoned for sharing the Gospel, then tell me that "it's my honor to suffer for Jesus". But I did there. And it has changed me.
I'm changed to the very core of my being.
And I beg God to never EVER allow me to go back to the person I was before.
So, all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord- who is the Spirit- makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image. 2 Corinthians 3:18
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thoughts on Ethiopia... part 1
Many of you have asked about our trip to Ethiopia. To say that it was incredible, mind-blowing, life-changing, awesome, etc etc is all just an understatement. It WAS all of those things. But it was so much more. It was redemption, sacrifice, vulnerability, humility, healing, convicting...
I've put off posting here for a little while so I could pull my thoughts together. I could write stories for days, if truth be told. But I don't want to just tell stories. If that's all I do now that I'm home, it's all been in vain. What I want is for people to see the change in me, in my life, and to be able to say why I'm different. Because, believe me, I AM DIFFERENT NOW.
This morning was my first time in corporate worship since we've been home (we took last week off to catch up on sleep and try to get over some jet lag). It was hard for me. It was too comfortable. I know that may sound odd to some of you. To explain, I'm going to share with you an excerpt of I wrote in my journal while at the Covenant Church in Ethiopia.
The people here worship as if they really believe that God is listening. It's beautiful, scary, exciting, passionate, lively and ultimately it is convicting to me. How often do I sit in my pew and wait for something good to happen? How often do I walk into church with a thousand things on my mind and none of them Jesus? How many times have I felt led to lift my hands, but don't because I'm worried about what someone behind me might think? How many times have I entered into worship thinking of Holly instead of my Savior? Here I sit , a little cold on this rainy morning, watching the rain drop down onto the man across the aisle, unable to understand the language being spoken (Amharic), wondering if their bathroom has toilet paper. All of these things run through my mind and more. But the only thing that really matters is Christ glorified. And I know without a doubt that He has been glorified here today.
Here's the thing about that worship time. The people who came there brought everything they had; they brought themselves. They didn't have fancy clothes, cars, bibles, programs, bulletins, orders of worship. none of that mattered at all. They brought themselves to their Savior, broken and spilled out for the One they love. They came surrendered in their poverty, their need, their desire, their sickness, their desperation. And they bowed down to the One they know is greater than all of that. They worshiped with complete abandon, their only thought to bring glory to the Father. They came broken, hungry, hopeless, poor, in need. But they left whole, full, hopeful, rich in His grace, satisfied with Jesus.
This morning, I entered my church broken by my sin, hungry for His word, poor without Him in my life, in need of a Savior. And He was faithful, as He always is. I met God there because I was looking for Him. I came ready to worship, having put all of the unimportant things away.
My sweet Ethiopian friends taught me that it doesn't matter what our circumstances are, what our clothes look like, how full our bellies are, what our church looks like (even if there is rain pouring in the sanctuary!), or if there were crying kids in the service. They reminded me that what matters is whether of not I'm there seeking to meet Jesus. Because HE IS ALWAYS THERE, seeking to meet with me.
May I never forget this experience. May I worship with reckless abandon, the One who gave His life for me. May I experience daily the freedom He bought for me, for where His spirit is, there is freedom indeed. God be blessed.
I've put off posting here for a little while so I could pull my thoughts together. I could write stories for days, if truth be told. But I don't want to just tell stories. If that's all I do now that I'm home, it's all been in vain. What I want is for people to see the change in me, in my life, and to be able to say why I'm different. Because, believe me, I AM DIFFERENT NOW.
This morning was my first time in corporate worship since we've been home (we took last week off to catch up on sleep and try to get over some jet lag). It was hard for me. It was too comfortable. I know that may sound odd to some of you. To explain, I'm going to share with you an excerpt of I wrote in my journal while at the Covenant Church in Ethiopia.
The Spirit is alive here this morning. I've watched the young man in front of me weep as he raises his hands in praise to God. I watched a family of 4 come in and immediately kneel. The mother seems both relieved and broken to be here- a picture of conflict. It's as if this place truly is her resting place on earth, as if she's been waiting for this moment all week long. I watched as she buried her face in her hands and wept, all the while her young daughter danced and sang in the aisle beside her.
The people here worship as if they really believe that God is listening. It's beautiful, scary, exciting, passionate, lively and ultimately it is convicting to me. How often do I sit in my pew and wait for something good to happen? How often do I walk into church with a thousand things on my mind and none of them Jesus? How many times have I felt led to lift my hands, but don't because I'm worried about what someone behind me might think? How many times have I entered into worship thinking of Holly instead of my Savior? Here I sit , a little cold on this rainy morning, watching the rain drop down onto the man across the aisle, unable to understand the language being spoken (Amharic), wondering if their bathroom has toilet paper. All of these things run through my mind and more. But the only thing that really matters is Christ glorified. And I know without a doubt that He has been glorified here today.
Here's the thing about that worship time. The people who came there brought everything they had; they brought themselves. They didn't have fancy clothes, cars, bibles, programs, bulletins, orders of worship. none of that mattered at all. They brought themselves to their Savior, broken and spilled out for the One they love. They came surrendered in their poverty, their need, their desire, their sickness, their desperation. And they bowed down to the One they know is greater than all of that. They worshiped with complete abandon, their only thought to bring glory to the Father. They came broken, hungry, hopeless, poor, in need. But they left whole, full, hopeful, rich in His grace, satisfied with Jesus.
This morning, I entered my church broken by my sin, hungry for His word, poor without Him in my life, in need of a Savior. And He was faithful, as He always is. I met God there because I was looking for Him. I came ready to worship, having put all of the unimportant things away.
My sweet Ethiopian friends taught me that it doesn't matter what our circumstances are, what our clothes look like, how full our bellies are, what our church looks like (even if there is rain pouring in the sanctuary!), or if there were crying kids in the service. They reminded me that what matters is whether of not I'm there seeking to meet Jesus. Because HE IS ALWAYS THERE, seeking to meet with me.
May I never forget this experience. May I worship with reckless abandon, the One who gave His life for me. May I experience daily the freedom He bought for me, for where His spirit is, there is freedom indeed. God be blessed.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
renewal...
Today I took part in the Lord's supper at church. I sat there, holding the bread that represented His body, broken for me, and I was struck with just how much He loves me.
He loves you too, my friend.
This song has been playing in my mind all day, and it speaks what my heart is feeling.
You Are For Me
So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do.
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You.
So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do.
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You.
chorus:
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are.
So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You.
(Repeat chorus)
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are.
So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You.
(Repeat chorus)
More than anything in this world, I want to be like my Jesus. And I realize that means sacrifice, even to death. It scares me to think of that kind of commitment, but I'm all in. I don't want to be casual about my walk with God. I'm sold out. I want the fullness of God, the freaky side of God. And I want Him to have all of me... the secret parts I hope no one knows about, the loud and boisterous parts as well. I'm His.
May I never forget what He has done for me. And as He is breaking my heart for the things that break His, may I live in such a way that brings glory to Him alone.
He is for me. What else could I possibly hope for?
Friday, September 17, 2010
Just one little rock...
On Wednesday night, after all activities at church were finished, Bryan was riding his longboard in the church parking lot. He was doing what he does every Wednesday night, just passing the time while waiting on Jeff and I. As I turned the corner towards the doors to leave, I saw our friend William walking Bryan inside.
I had no idea what was hurting, but I knew it was bad.
Bryan was as white as a ghost and shaking. I thought immediately, "he's either going to throw up or pass out", and I went to him. He was holding his left arm to himself and obviously in tremendous pain. He simply said, "I heard it pop. Something is bad". I knew then; he had broken a bone. There was no moving that arm; it just hurt too much. We loaded him into the car and headed to the emergency room.
An hour and a couple of x-rays later, it was confirmed. Bryan's clavicle (collar bone) was snapped in half. We were referred to the orthopedic surgeon to evaluate. He was put in a sling and a wrap to immobilize his arm for the night, and we were sent home. The next day, the orthopedic surgeon graciously told us surgery was not necessary (thank you Lord!), and Bryan was placed in a harness for an unknown length of time.
It's hard to watch your kids in pain, isn't it? There isn't much I dislike more than that!! But something struck me as Bryan and I were talking on the way home from the hospital. When I asked him what had happened, he said, "Everything was fine, then there was this tiny little rock that got stuck under my wheel. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground". That's when it hit me; this is exactly the same thing that happens to us with sin.
I know that in my life, sometimes things are going fine, and then I give in to a temptation, take my eyes off of Christ, think I can handle things on my own.... and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground. And I'm hurt. And, because He's my Abba- my Daddy, God hurts too. It pains Him to see me hurting. And like any good, caring and faithful parent, He lovingly and gingerly picks me up and takes care of me.
The cool thing about God is that His touch is immediately healing. There is no harness needed for 8-12 weeks with His touch. I can't do that for Bryan (oh, how I wish I could!), but God does that for His children all the time. He offers forgiveness and sanctification immediately and free, just for the taking. But unless we choose to stay focused on Him, we will fall again.
What rocks are in your path today? Are you rolling toward them completely unaware of their presence? Are you looking the other way, thinking that you'll avoid them somehow? Or are you fixing your eyes on Jesus? Listen to this: "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us". (Hebrews 12:1)
Is there something you need to "throw off" today?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Running the Race...
I am currently engaged in what is likely the most difficult thing I've ever challenged myself to. It's hard, grueling even. It's rewarding, yet takes more of me than I ever imagined possible. It's fulfilling, yet has stripped away much of the wall I had built around myself. It's beautiful and ugly all at once.
I am training for a mini marathon that will be held on April 24, 2010.
I am not a runner by nature. I am nowhere near it, if truth be told. Sadly, I've spent the past years (lots of them) sitting on the sidelines, feeling as though I wasn't worth being in the race at all... any kind of race.
But no more.
In the past couple of years, God has healed so many hurts in my heart and my life. He has truly renewed in me a steadfast spirit (Psalm 51). He has taken hurts from my past and allowed them to be used for good now. He has restored me. He has placed people in my life that have taught me that it's okay to be real, and that I can risk being vulnerable. It's been slow and painful, yet it's been beautiful. I feel whole.
Many of you know that in my past is sexual assault/abuse. I've never talked about it here, but I feel the need to do so now. Some of you may have walked that road as well. If so, know that you are not alone. Know that healing is possible and worth the work! Part of my journey has caused me to doubt myself, and that's one of the greatest parts of healing. I'm learning again the worth that God gives me through His Son. WOW... I'm amazed at how much He loves me!
This April marks 20 years since I was assaulted. In the years since that time, April has been hard to face. It brings back memories that are hard to handle sometimes, even after all of these years. A few years I have been sad, disconnected, defeated.
BUT NOT THIS YEAR!
This year, I am whole, content, connected, ready to face the memories, knowing that they are just that.. memories. And memories cannot hurt me! So, I will run. I will run for the joy that God has restored in me. I will run for the freedom I feel in Christ. I will run to celebrate the pure joy that my family gives to me each and every day. I will run to show all other survivors that God heals all, and you are not the abuse you have endured. You are more than that. I will run to celebrate the fact that I am beautifully made in the image of the Creator of all that is and is to come.
I will run as a praise to God. Each step of that 13 miles will be a worship experience. I will run what I can, walk when I need to. And I will smile, knowing that God has brought about more healing and restoration in me than I ever dreamed possible.
Pray for me. I'm afraid. I doubt my ability to finish, yet I will persevere.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hunders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". Hebrews 12:1-2
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Heartbreak and the Truth...
A few nights ago, Ellie & I made a quick stop in the grocery store for some milk (she has decided that she now really REALLY loves chocolate milk). It was getting late, and we were in a hurry, and thankfully there were no lines in the store. We were having a great girls' night out actually.
As we headed up toward the check-out, we passed a man and his two daughters, one of whom looked to be close in age to Ellie. That little cutie stared at Ellie as if she were from outer space. She then announced to her dad "Hey look daddy, it's a monkey!". I have to admit it took me off guard, but my first thought was "this is a great teaching moment for that dad. I hope he steps up to the plate".
He didn't.
He didn't even come close.
That man looked his daughter in the face, then looked me in the face, then back to his daughter. And then he proceeded to tell that sweet liitle girl that Ellie was not a monkey, but something more vicious than I could ever imagine another human saying. He called her horrible things. He actually said several horrible things to me about Ellie (and about me, too). I was in utter shock, but only for a second. In an instant, my claws came out. I was ready to pounce. I was ready to kill this man!
But my eyes could only go to his sweet little girl, standing there taking it all in. To be honest, Ellie was oblivious to it all. This child with her daddy was watching and hearing the venom pour from his lips. Her eyes were as large as half dollars as she watched him nearly convulse with repulsion at my child. I wonder what was going through her mind. I wonder if she was wondering when it was going to stop this time. I wonder if she was already dreading the lecture she would surely get in the car on the way home about how she is never to talk to those kind of people again.
My heart aches for that little girl that I cannot get out of my head. My heart aches that she is going to miss out on so many wonderful relationships in this world because of the color of their skin. My heart aches most because she is missing out on a relationship with her own father because of his hatred for others. He was so consumed with hatred for my daughter's face that he failed to see the hurt on his daughter's face. I can't stop thinking of that.
Scripture tells us this: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16
The truth is that both Ellie and that little girl are fearfully and wonderfully made. God was intricately involved in every detail of them both. And you know, that little girl's dad, who was so vulgar and inhumane towards us, was also knit together in his mother's womb by the God of the universe. As hurtful for me as it was to hear him say those awful things, how much more must it break the heart of God to hear one that He loves so specifically and so perfectly act that way toward another of his creations. I'm broken over the thought of that tonight!
Ellie will grow knowing that she is loved and adored, both here on earth and by her Heavenly Father as well. She will never have to long to be noticed, never have to wonder if she messed up too much to be loved still. But that other little girl... I fear that she will worry over these things all of her life. Oh God, please protect her from the evil around her today. Protect her heart, Lord. Keep her thoughts pure, despite insurmountable obstacles to that. send someone in her life that will teach her the TRUTH, about her and those around her.
As we headed up toward the check-out, we passed a man and his two daughters, one of whom looked to be close in age to Ellie. That little cutie stared at Ellie as if she were from outer space. She then announced to her dad "Hey look daddy, it's a monkey!". I have to admit it took me off guard, but my first thought was "this is a great teaching moment for that dad. I hope he steps up to the plate".
He didn't.
He didn't even come close.
That man looked his daughter in the face, then looked me in the face, then back to his daughter. And then he proceeded to tell that sweet liitle girl that Ellie was not a monkey, but something more vicious than I could ever imagine another human saying. He called her horrible things. He actually said several horrible things to me about Ellie (and about me, too). I was in utter shock, but only for a second. In an instant, my claws came out. I was ready to pounce. I was ready to kill this man!
But my eyes could only go to his sweet little girl, standing there taking it all in. To be honest, Ellie was oblivious to it all. This child with her daddy was watching and hearing the venom pour from his lips. Her eyes were as large as half dollars as she watched him nearly convulse with repulsion at my child. I wonder what was going through her mind. I wonder if she was wondering when it was going to stop this time. I wonder if she was already dreading the lecture she would surely get in the car on the way home about how she is never to talk to those kind of people again.
My heart aches for that little girl that I cannot get out of my head. My heart aches that she is going to miss out on so many wonderful relationships in this world because of the color of their skin. My heart aches most because she is missing out on a relationship with her own father because of his hatred for others. He was so consumed with hatred for my daughter's face that he failed to see the hurt on his daughter's face. I can't stop thinking of that.
Scripture tells us this: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16
The truth is that both Ellie and that little girl are fearfully and wonderfully made. God was intricately involved in every detail of them both. And you know, that little girl's dad, who was so vulgar and inhumane towards us, was also knit together in his mother's womb by the God of the universe. As hurtful for me as it was to hear him say those awful things, how much more must it break the heart of God to hear one that He loves so specifically and so perfectly act that way toward another of his creations. I'm broken over the thought of that tonight!
Ellie will grow knowing that she is loved and adored, both here on earth and by her Heavenly Father as well. She will never have to long to be noticed, never have to wonder if she messed up too much to be loved still. But that other little girl... I fear that she will worry over these things all of her life. Oh God, please protect her from the evil around her today. Protect her heart, Lord. Keep her thoughts pure, despite insurmountable obstacles to that. send someone in her life that will teach her the TRUTH, about her and those around her.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Family
Ellie has been home with us for 8 weeks now. The difference is astounding really. She's gone from a timid, quiet shy little girl, afraid to even let us hear her voice at times to a boisterous, happy, singing ball of giggles and smiles. I'm in awe of how God brought her to us. Sometimes I just sit and watch her in amazement, and thank God for the gift of her in our lives.
I went back to work last week. I didn't really want to go, if I'm being completely honest. But... that's life, and I believe that there is a reason for my being in that place as well. Jeff is now on Family Leave for 8 weeks, and he is loving it! I'm so thankful that he has this opportunity to be with her. I'm grateful that she will grow to see her Daddy even more fully, and know that in him she has a wonderful example of her Heavenly Father.
I have to say that my favorite part of the day is 1:30pm, when I get off of work. I drive to pick Bryan up at school and then we head home together. I love that drive home with him (when he takes his headphones out!). And when we get home, I love hearing Ellie yell "mommy" and run to me for a hug and kiss! Awwwww.. you can't beat that people.
I'm learning more and more that it's the simple things in life that make it worthwhile. I'm learning more and more that God gives us countless blessings each and every day that we often overlook (like when your 13 year old turns his music off to talk, your two year old tells you that you are beautiful, and your husband cooks dinner for you and says that he'll clean up too just because he loves you and wants to serve you!!). I guess after having seen the depravity and poverty in Ethiopia where Ellie's life began, I'm more determined than ever to not let the little things slip by without notice. For that matter, I don't want to let the big things pass me by either. God has given me too much to ever take for granted a single moment here on earth.
Scripture tells us that "God sets the lonely in families..." (psalm 68:6). We are seeing that lived out in our home. There is no doubt that God set Ellie right here with us, and we are so thankful for His plan. So many people have said to us that we are a blessing to her. I would argue (again) that she is the blessing to us! I learn more every day about God's greatness in watching her story unfold.
So, go hug your kids, kiss your spouse, and write that long-overdue letter. But before you do that, get on your knees and thank the Lord for His mercy and Grace upon you, and for the gifts He gives freely every day.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
So, it's obviously been a while since I posted here. I haven't had much to say, to be honest. I am frustrated. I hope that I can convey what I am feeling without completely confusing anyone or freaking people out. To be completely honest, I am writing more to help me sort things out than anything, so be patient with me.
We've heard nothing on Ellie.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
Two weeks ago, we were told that the documents needed to be submitted for court were finally in. Last week, we were supposed to actually be submitted. Yet here we are, almost at the end of May, and still no court date.
Some days, I start to worry. I start asking "Am I really meant to be a mom again?" "Did God ever intend for us to have a little girl?". You know the questions that creep in when you are trying your best to hold it together. I know it's Satan, so don't go worrying that I am having doubts about Ellie. Quite the contrary.
I am so tired of hearing people say that Ellie will be here "in God's timing". Maybe I am wrong here; I'm no scholar after all. But I don't think that everything happens just like He wants it to. After all, if it did, wouldn't Adam and Eve still have been in the Garden? I can think of other instances too, but that came to mind first. Quite frankly, I don't believe that God wants Ellie to be in that orphanage for one more minute, much less one more day, month, year.....I believe that He wants her here, at home, with her family. But it's not happening right now, and I can't make myself believe that it's God that is waiting.
I understand how the process works. I don't hold grudges at all against the government procedures; I get them. But that doesn't keep my heart from hurting because I want her here, and she is still there.
I trust that God led us to Ellie. No doubt about it. I knew the moment that I first saw her picture that she was ours. I just knew. Can't really explain it any other way. Some things are just known within you. And I know that one day she'll be here. I'll even go so far to say that when she is here, all of what I am feeling today will melt away and not matter at all.
But today, I hurt. I miss her. I want her room to be filled with her, not just books, clothing and pretty things. I want my little girl. I can hear Bryan upstairs right now. I want to hear her too.
Pray for us please. This is harder than I ever anticipated. I appreciate how you have covered us in prayer.
Maybe soon we will hear something good....
We've heard nothing on Ellie.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
Two weeks ago, we were told that the documents needed to be submitted for court were finally in. Last week, we were supposed to actually be submitted. Yet here we are, almost at the end of May, and still no court date.
Some days, I start to worry. I start asking "Am I really meant to be a mom again?" "Did God ever intend for us to have a little girl?". You know the questions that creep in when you are trying your best to hold it together. I know it's Satan, so don't go worrying that I am having doubts about Ellie. Quite the contrary.
I am so tired of hearing people say that Ellie will be here "in God's timing". Maybe I am wrong here; I'm no scholar after all. But I don't think that everything happens just like He wants it to. After all, if it did, wouldn't Adam and Eve still have been in the Garden? I can think of other instances too, but that came to mind first. Quite frankly, I don't believe that God wants Ellie to be in that orphanage for one more minute, much less one more day, month, year.....I believe that He wants her here, at home, with her family. But it's not happening right now, and I can't make myself believe that it's God that is waiting.
I understand how the process works. I don't hold grudges at all against the government procedures; I get them. But that doesn't keep my heart from hurting because I want her here, and she is still there.
I trust that God led us to Ellie. No doubt about it. I knew the moment that I first saw her picture that she was ours. I just knew. Can't really explain it any other way. Some things are just known within you. And I know that one day she'll be here. I'll even go so far to say that when she is here, all of what I am feeling today will melt away and not matter at all.
But today, I hurt. I miss her. I want her room to be filled with her, not just books, clothing and pretty things. I want my little girl. I can hear Bryan upstairs right now. I want to hear her too.
Pray for us please. This is harder than I ever anticipated. I appreciate how you have covered us in prayer.
Maybe soon we will hear something good....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dear Bryan & Ellie,
Today is Easter Sunday. All over the world, people have been dressing up in pretty dresses, hiding and hunting for colored eggs, and celebrating the easter bunny's visit to their home. All of that is fun and fine to do. But I wouldn't be a very good mom if I didn't stop to tell you what Easter is really all about. So, this is my Easter gift to you.
Easter is the reason we can celebrate. Without Easter, Christmas isn't complete. As followers of Christ, this day is the day that allows us to live with joy and hope and security, no matter what is going on all around us. Jesus, who was completely human and completely God all at once, willingly died on the cross. It was a cruel death. He was beaten, His body torn. He was bloody and gory, and if truth be told, we probably wouldn't have wanted to look at Him then. Sometimes we make the Cross seem less horrific than it really was. I want you to understand the great lengths that He went to for you and for me, for the world.
They killed Him on that Cross. That was their plan all along. And He knew it when He walked that road towards that hill, carrying that Cross on his back. Scripture tells us that the sun stopped shining and the curtain of the temple was torn in two, breaking the barrier between God and man once and for all. It must have been scary and magnificent all at once to have witnessed that moment.
But, if the story ended there, we'd have no hope. We'd be like others who serve a god that has died and lays entombed still today. No. That's not what happened at all. They put His lifeless body in a tomb, but 3 days later, He arose out of that grave fully alive!! THAT is the reason we celebrate. We serve a Savior who has conquered not only life but death as well!
Bryan, I know you are a believer. I remember the day you asked Jesus to come into your life. I am so excited that you know Him! I pray that you allow His resurrection power to work freely in your life. I pray that you take advantage of the fact that you can go freely to God at any time and for anything. He loves you, even more than your dad and I do (that's hard to fathom!). I pray that you trust that the blood He shed for you is still at work within you today! It NEVER FAILS Bryan. It can get you through anything, even when things seem impossible to you. I love you so much Bryan. I hope that you see me living as one who knows that I serve a Risen Savior every day. Forgive me for those days that I haven't done that.
Ellie, I pray right now that you are surrounded by people who know the Lord. I pray that today they told you the story of Jesus' resurrection. I pray that you are hearing that He loves you each and every day. I pray that one day you will understand that His love for you is bigger than you can ever dream or imagine, and that He died on that cross for you! Just as we are adopting you into our family, God wants to adopt you into His family, Ellie. One day you will understand this, I know. Your coming into our family is a beautiful picture of what God does for us... He finds us in our need, loves us just as we are and where we are, and He will go to any length to bring us to Him. He's always had you on His mind Ellie. Until you understand that for yourself, I will trust Him for you.
I pray that both of you celebrate Easter every day. He IS risen...
I love you,
Mom
Today is Easter Sunday. All over the world, people have been dressing up in pretty dresses, hiding and hunting for colored eggs, and celebrating the easter bunny's visit to their home. All of that is fun and fine to do. But I wouldn't be a very good mom if I didn't stop to tell you what Easter is really all about. So, this is my Easter gift to you.
Easter is the reason we can celebrate. Without Easter, Christmas isn't complete. As followers of Christ, this day is the day that allows us to live with joy and hope and security, no matter what is going on all around us. Jesus, who was completely human and completely God all at once, willingly died on the cross. It was a cruel death. He was beaten, His body torn. He was bloody and gory, and if truth be told, we probably wouldn't have wanted to look at Him then. Sometimes we make the Cross seem less horrific than it really was. I want you to understand the great lengths that He went to for you and for me, for the world.
They killed Him on that Cross. That was their plan all along. And He knew it when He walked that road towards that hill, carrying that Cross on his back. Scripture tells us that the sun stopped shining and the curtain of the temple was torn in two, breaking the barrier between God and man once and for all. It must have been scary and magnificent all at once to have witnessed that moment.
But, if the story ended there, we'd have no hope. We'd be like others who serve a god that has died and lays entombed still today. No. That's not what happened at all. They put His lifeless body in a tomb, but 3 days later, He arose out of that grave fully alive!! THAT is the reason we celebrate. We serve a Savior who has conquered not only life but death as well!
Bryan, I know you are a believer. I remember the day you asked Jesus to come into your life. I am so excited that you know Him! I pray that you allow His resurrection power to work freely in your life. I pray that you take advantage of the fact that you can go freely to God at any time and for anything. He loves you, even more than your dad and I do (that's hard to fathom!). I pray that you trust that the blood He shed for you is still at work within you today! It NEVER FAILS Bryan. It can get you through anything, even when things seem impossible to you. I love you so much Bryan. I hope that you see me living as one who knows that I serve a Risen Savior every day. Forgive me for those days that I haven't done that.
Ellie, I pray right now that you are surrounded by people who know the Lord. I pray that today they told you the story of Jesus' resurrection. I pray that you are hearing that He loves you each and every day. I pray that one day you will understand that His love for you is bigger than you can ever dream or imagine, and that He died on that cross for you! Just as we are adopting you into our family, God wants to adopt you into His family, Ellie. One day you will understand this, I know. Your coming into our family is a beautiful picture of what God does for us... He finds us in our need, loves us just as we are and where we are, and He will go to any length to bring us to Him. He's always had you on His mind Ellie. Until you understand that for yourself, I will trust Him for you.
I pray that both of you celebrate Easter every day. He IS risen...
I love you,
Mom
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I Believe
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7)
I read those words this afternoon. It was perfect timing, no doubt. God knew what I needed to hear. You see, I've been anxious, worried and frustrated. I've been feeling like MY timing is best. I've been wrestling with God about this adoption: what is the hold up, why haven't we gotten our court date? I've been doing too much whining and not enough praying.
Scripture says that I should humble myself before God, and He will lift me IN DUE TIME. It then immediately tells me that He cares for me. Coincidence? I think not. I believe that God understands how hard it is to wait on His timing. So, He immediately follows up those instructions with encouragement that He loves and cares for us.
As we wait for a court date for Ellie, I find myself bouncing back and forth between absolute excitement and doubt. I find myself saying things like "She's never coming home" or "Maybe we were wrong about this". But I know that isn't true. That is Satan trying to get me to give up hope. And well, that is never going to happen!
Did you hear that Satan (because I know you are listening here!)??
I WILL NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!
I believe that God created a precious little girl in a small village in Ethiopia around 2 1/2 years ago. I believe that He knew the extreme poverty that her mother would live in. I believe that He made a plan for her life from the very beginning, a plan that would prosper her and not bring her harm. I believe that He heard the cry of my heart, desiring to be a mother again. And I believe that in His infinite wisdom, God ordained that she would be that child. I believe that God knew from her first breath, that her mother would bring her into the world, but this mother would nurture her future. I believe that God ordained that her mother would step forward with courage and grace to make a plan that would allow her baby to have a life with more opportunity. I believe that He orchestrated every step of this process for us to wind up where she was waiting so that we could become a family.
I believe that one day, she will run through this house, calling me "Mommy" and calling Jeff "Daddy". I believe that she will adore Bryan, her big brother. I believe that she will have sleepovers with Nana, Papa, and Grammy. I believe that she will go to Gatlinburg with her Uncle Chris, Aunt Shelly and Kristin, and love it as much as they do. I believe that she will sing the silly "Sunday School Nightclub" songs with Aunt Lisa, Uncle Jim, Aaron and Breanna. I believe that she will walk through the doors of First Baptist Church into her family that has prayed for her for so long. I believe there will be many good night kisses, long bear hugs, sore throats, skinned knees, and broken hearts. I believe there will be piano lessons, school parties, proms and tests to study for. I believe that one day I will sit in a beautiful sanctuary where she will walk down the aisle on the arm of her Daddy to a man that God has already chosen for her.
I believe that she is my daughter.
Please pray for us as we wait for Ellie. We are in a bit of a crunch with time, as some of our important documents are about to expire. That will only delay bringing her home. Here are specific prayer requests:
1. to have a court date assigned and pass! (specifically assigned this week!)
2. for Ellie to move from her current orphanage to the Transition House in the city
3. continued health and safety for Ellie as she waits
4. for Ellie to begin to understand that we are her family, and that we love her
5. for her nannies and caretakers
6. for the staff of our agency who work so diligently to get through the paperwork chaos!
7. for the other children who are waiting with Ellie for their families
8. for us... as we wait and hope with great anticipation for the day that she is at home with us.
Thank you for how you have supported us in prayer, finances and encouragement so far on this journey. We truly could not do this without the love and support of so many friends and family!
Keep Believing
Sunday, January 25, 2009
We can't ignore
I saw this video today while reading a blog that I follow often. It reminds me of our time in Uganda, but it also reminds me of why we are in this adoption process at all. Our little girl could have been these children. I just weep at the thought of that, but I know that for so many children, this is reality.
I am burdened to make a difference. What about you?
Oh God, forgive us for the times we have overlooked your children, your creation. Forgive us for not being thankful for our abundance and for not finding ways to share it with the world around us. Open our eyes, God. Let us be disturbed and burdened to act when we see these images. Give us your heart, Father. Teach us to love like you do.
For those who want to know how to make a difference, here is a place to start.
I am burdened to make a difference. What about you?
Oh God, forgive us for the times we have overlooked your children, your creation. Forgive us for not being thankful for our abundance and for not finding ways to share it with the world around us. Open our eyes, God. Let us be disturbed and burdened to act when we see these images. Give us your heart, Father. Teach us to love like you do.
For those who want to know how to make a difference, here is a place to start.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Special Delivery
This week has been hard for me. Maybe it's the holidays coming upon us so quickly. Maybe it's the cooler weather. Maybe it's just me. I don't know the "why" but I know that I have been missing Ellie this week. It's strange to miss someone you have never met. But, you see, I already love her. She is already a part of our family, in our hearts. We already refer to her as ours. We just need to know who she is and bring her home!
I had hoped and prayed that we would have her here with us by Christmas this year. Obviously, that is not going to happen. And that's okay. Our prayers have been for God to bring her to us in His timing, which we trust is perfect. But still... how I wish she were here.
I've done some Christmas shopping, wishing that she were here to see the lights and hear the music. I've wished that she were here to take to visit Santa. I've wished she were here to see all of the families at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've wished she were here to tell the Christmas story to so that she will hear of the miracle of Christmas.
As I have had these wishes, I have prayed so much for her. I've prayed protection over her from illness, from poverty and not enough food to eat. I've prayed for her heart that may be breaking as her mother chooses an adoption plan in the ultimate sacrifice to save her precious girl's life. I've prayed for that mother, whose heart must be breaking to make such a decision. I pray that I am worthy of her trust.
I'll admit that I have questioned whether God has heard my prayers. There have been no new girls listed on our agency site, and that is disheartening. My humanness has led me to question at times "Will this fall apart again like Vietnam?". And once again, God has answered my prayers perfectly.
Yesterday, Jeff went out to get the mail. In the box, he found a small package that held a child's t-shirt. On that shirt were the words "Special Delivery from Ethiopia". It was as if God Himself were saying to us "She is on the way. I am bringing Ellie to you. Just be patient. Trust my plan".
I do trust His plan.
Ellie, we can't wait to meet you. We can't wait for that moment when we get to see your sweet face and know that you were chosen for us. We can't wait to hold you, kiss you, and bring you to your forever home. We're coming, baby girl. Just be patient, and trust His plan.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Guess who I met?
I was at Woodland Park with Bryan and his friend. They were skateboarding, and I was reading on my blanket. It really was the perfect evening to lay out there and enjoy the gorgeous weather. I was perfectly content all by myself on my blanket when he walked up.
He smelled. Really bad.
He was a little drunk, I am quite sure.
He was strange, talking to himself at times, but friendly.
He was looking for conversation.
He told me his name as Dean Martin, then James Dean, then Charlie Brown. When he asked my name, I said "Farrah Fawcett", to which he responded "touche'".
We talked about the weather, where he was from (Michigan) and how he got to KY. He asked me to watch his "house" (backpack) while he went to "show those kids how to throw a frisbee the right way". He schooled them, for sure! He told me that his parents had died when he was a child, and his grandparents raised him. He ran away "as soon as possible so I didn't have to follow their rules". He had spoken to them a few weeks before, and they told him he could come home, but he said he didn't think he would. He said that his Grandma made him go to church if he lived with her, and I argued that maybe that was not a bad deal for three meals a day and a good warm bed to sleep in. He just shrugged his shoulders and laughed. Then he said "Life's tough, but faith gets ya through, you know?"
Yeah, I do know.
I asked him what or who he put his faith in, and he said "well, not Jesus, that's for sure", and he went on to ask if I was going to "get my preach on". I assured him I would not be preaching, but that he had mentioned faith, so I wondered what he had faith in. He asked me where I placed my faith, and I told him in Jesus Christ.
His response made me weep.
He said "I don't care for Jesus or Christians. You never get second chances from them. They judge you at every turn". He went on to tell me that he had been given more help from the "drunks, winos, prostitutes and homeless" than anyone who had ever professed to know Jesus. I apologized on behalf of all of us believers who have looked down on him because he was less fortunate. I told him I had done it too, and I was sorry. After all, the first thing I noticed was his smell, his sandals held together by duct tape, the smell of liquor on him, the dirty hands, face and feet. I hadn't looked at the person, but the outward appearance.
I was able to give him some money for a meal, since he had not eaten for several days (except for some peanut butter out of someone's trash). He asked me how I knew he wouldn't go get drunk with the money, and I told him I didn't; that was entirely up to him. But I was going to try to make him see that some who claim the name of Christ really do care, really do want to see the needs of the man he is, not just his circumstance.
I am not sure what God is doing with me these days.. leading me to homeless around me and giving me the chance to know them. But I am changed for the better because of it. Oh, that I never go back to being the person I was before I met Dean Martin/James Dean/Charlie Brown.
He smelled. Really bad.
He was a little drunk, I am quite sure.
He was strange, talking to himself at times, but friendly.
He was looking for conversation.
He told me his name as Dean Martin, then James Dean, then Charlie Brown. When he asked my name, I said "Farrah Fawcett", to which he responded "touche'".
We talked about the weather, where he was from (Michigan) and how he got to KY. He asked me to watch his "house" (backpack) while he went to "show those kids how to throw a frisbee the right way". He schooled them, for sure! He told me that his parents had died when he was a child, and his grandparents raised him. He ran away "as soon as possible so I didn't have to follow their rules". He had spoken to them a few weeks before, and they told him he could come home, but he said he didn't think he would. He said that his Grandma made him go to church if he lived with her, and I argued that maybe that was not a bad deal for three meals a day and a good warm bed to sleep in. He just shrugged his shoulders and laughed. Then he said "Life's tough, but faith gets ya through, you know?"
Yeah, I do know.
I asked him what or who he put his faith in, and he said "well, not Jesus, that's for sure", and he went on to ask if I was going to "get my preach on". I assured him I would not be preaching, but that he had mentioned faith, so I wondered what he had faith in. He asked me where I placed my faith, and I told him in Jesus Christ.
His response made me weep.
He said "I don't care for Jesus or Christians. You never get second chances from them. They judge you at every turn". He went on to tell me that he had been given more help from the "drunks, winos, prostitutes and homeless" than anyone who had ever professed to know Jesus. I apologized on behalf of all of us believers who have looked down on him because he was less fortunate. I told him I had done it too, and I was sorry. After all, the first thing I noticed was his smell, his sandals held together by duct tape, the smell of liquor on him, the dirty hands, face and feet. I hadn't looked at the person, but the outward appearance.
I was able to give him some money for a meal, since he had not eaten for several days (except for some peanut butter out of someone's trash). He asked me how I knew he wouldn't go get drunk with the money, and I told him I didn't; that was entirely up to him. But I was going to try to make him see that some who claim the name of Christ really do care, really do want to see the needs of the man he is, not just his circumstance.
I am not sure what God is doing with me these days.. leading me to homeless around me and giving me the chance to know them. But I am changed for the better because of it. Oh, that I never go back to being the person I was before I met Dean Martin/James Dean/Charlie Brown.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
God is Alive and Well, Folks
Today has been one of those days when God's power is just shoved in my face, down my throat and everywhere else. AND I LOVE IT.
For those of you who think that miracles are a thing of the past, just for the "bible times", you are wrong. Very wrong.
For those of you who think that God only speaks to a certain few, you are wrong. Very wrong.
For those of you who think that God doesn't have a perfect plan for everyone of us, you are wrong. Very wrong.
For those of you who think you are too far gone, too bad to ever be forgiven by God, you are wrong. Very wrong.
God is STILL in the business of miracles, of forgiveness, of healing, of speaking, and of bringing about His perfect plans. And this morning, in Bible study, I saw proof of it all over the room. God is moving. I can't wait to see what happens next!
How about you? Are you seeing Him move too? I promise He is...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Perspective is Everything
This morning started just like every other day. I took a shower and washed my hair just like I always do. But then the hairdryer blew up and my hair was still really wet. Really wet. I put my makeup on, got dressed, drove to the store and bought a new hairdryer, then went to work to fix my hair. Gotta love starting the day like that.
The first client in the building was WILD. He ran all over the office, threw toys, stole food, hit his mom, etc etc. When I tried to redirect him, he spit on me. I almost puked. Spit is gross people.
I forgot my lunch at home, so I went out to get something. As I walked out the front door, the heavens opened up and it poured the rain. Lucky for me, I had a hairdryer at work.
When I got back to work, I slipped and fell in front of many clients as I came in the front door.
My son was frustrated that he had to do his chores, and he told me he didn't want to live here anymore.
I burnt my finger cooking dinner.
Jeff is late getting home because he got held up at work.
I came downstairs to pray because it's quiet down here. I was just telling God that I really had a bad day. And then it hit me...
These people are the ones having a bad day.
These people and so many more are mourning the loss of a parent or child today. These people lost loved ones on September 11, 2001 because terrorists chose to kill the innocent.
My husband may be later than usual, but he is coming home. My son may have been angry, but he is still here (and he did the chores, then he apologized). My finger may be burnt, but I am alive, healthy and well. I was inconvenienced a little this morning, but big deal...I was safe all day long.
I have no idea what a bad day is like. It's all about perspective. May God's peace surround all of the families who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks today and every day.
The first client in the building was WILD. He ran all over the office, threw toys, stole food, hit his mom, etc etc. When I tried to redirect him, he spit on me. I almost puked. Spit is gross people.
I forgot my lunch at home, so I went out to get something. As I walked out the front door, the heavens opened up and it poured the rain. Lucky for me, I had a hairdryer at work.
When I got back to work, I slipped and fell in front of many clients as I came in the front door.
My son was frustrated that he had to do his chores, and he told me he didn't want to live here anymore.
I burnt my finger cooking dinner.
Jeff is late getting home because he got held up at work.
I came downstairs to pray because it's quiet down here. I was just telling God that I really had a bad day. And then it hit me...
These people are the ones having a bad day.
These people and so many more are mourning the loss of a parent or child today. These people lost loved ones on September 11, 2001 because terrorists chose to kill the innocent. My husband may be later than usual, but he is coming home. My son may have been angry, but he is still here (and he did the chores, then he apologized). My finger may be burnt, but I am alive, healthy and well. I was inconvenienced a little this morning, but big deal...I was safe all day long.
I have no idea what a bad day is like. It's all about perspective. May God's peace surround all of the families who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks today and every day.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sorry... this is a long one
Our recent adoption news (see previous post if you don't know what I am talking about) has really taken its toll on me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't take the news hard. We all did really. And since I am being honest here, I will tell you that I am still struggling with it all. I hadn't realized how much I already love Ellie, even though I have never seen her or even know where she is in the world! Last week was especially hard on me, and I found myself withdrawing from people. I didn't talk on the phone as much (sorry mom), and I even backed out on a planned trip to Chattanooga to see friends (sorry again, guys!).
Jeff & Bryan already had plans to be at Kings Island on Saturday with the college students at church, so when I decided not to go to Chattanooga, that meant that I would be home alone. Now, let me tell you that sometimes that is dangerous for me when I am feeling down. I tend to get lonely, cry a lot and basically just feel sorry for myself. I really didn't want this day to be like that, so I decided to keep myself occupied. I had some movies to watch and a good book, so I was good to go.
I woke up earlier than I had planned (bummer), and I didn't want to watch all of my movies before noon, so I decided to go to Lexington and do some shopping. I drove across the ferry on the way there and back because it's beautiful and I have some great conversations with God on those country roads. I truly felt at peace on the way there. In fact, I felt "okay" with our adoption situation for the first time all week, knowing that God was still in control. But it also felt like there was something that He was trying to get me to understand that I was running from. To be honest, I didn't want to hear anything other than words from God that He was going to bring my little girl home to me. Nothing else. It was sort of an attitude of "God, you do what I want, and then I will listen to more. For now, this is all I want to hear".
I don't think God liked that attitude.
On the way home, I drove by a lady holding a sign that looked like this:
Something about her drew me in. I had to stop. I didn't have any cash on me to give to her, but there was a Lil' Ceasar's across the street, so I went over and got a "hot 'n ready" pizza and drove back to where she was standing. I was so nervous! I got out of the van and walked across the parking lot to her and asked if I could give her some food. She said yes, and so I asked if I could sit with her.
We spent the next hour sitting on a piece of cardboard in the parking lot of a Liquor Barn, eating pizza (i am assuming God will forgive that it wasn't on my diet since I was doing something He asked!) Her name is Lisa, and she is beautiful. I mean that. Beneath the dirt and the obvious initial distrust of my true intentions, was a lady who was stunning.
Lisa immediately asked if I was a "God person" there only to "preach" to her. Lisa has had enough of that, let me tell you. She shared with me about how she was in a church when her husband died, but the church seemed "happy to not have to deal with him anymore". It was someone in her church who called Social Services when she lost her temper and slapped her child. As Lisa said "They never stopped to ask why I was so stressed out. I was working 3 jobs and trying to keep food on the table. I hadn't slept in days when that happened, but it didn't matter". When Social Services came, she tested positive for drugs (she claims that she was taking pills to stay awake for her 3 jobs, and really, it didn't matter to me. Who am I to judge her?). They took her kids away. In a nutshell, Lisa feels like the church was quick to accuse her, but no one ever wanted to help redeem her. She actually used the word redeem. Instead, Lisa has been living on the streets for a little more than a year with no contact at all with her children. She said "I might not have hope, but at least I have pizza, right?".
I got back in the van after our lunch, drove back to the ferry, parked and cried. And I heard God whisper to me again "I needed you to hear me remind you that it's not all about you".
I'm sorry, God.
I have acted like it's all about me. I have been so focused on what I want that I have failed to see the needs of others. And Lisa reminded me that there are people out there with no hope at all. And more importantly, that I can share that hope by something as simple as a pizza.
Matthew 25:31-40 says:“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.' Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
1 Peter 3:15 says "If someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it".
Are you living like you have Hope?
Jeff & Bryan already had plans to be at Kings Island on Saturday with the college students at church, so when I decided not to go to Chattanooga, that meant that I would be home alone. Now, let me tell you that sometimes that is dangerous for me when I am feeling down. I tend to get lonely, cry a lot and basically just feel sorry for myself. I really didn't want this day to be like that, so I decided to keep myself occupied. I had some movies to watch and a good book, so I was good to go.
I woke up earlier than I had planned (bummer), and I didn't want to watch all of my movies before noon, so I decided to go to Lexington and do some shopping. I drove across the ferry on the way there and back because it's beautiful and I have some great conversations with God on those country roads. I truly felt at peace on the way there. In fact, I felt "okay" with our adoption situation for the first time all week, knowing that God was still in control. But it also felt like there was something that He was trying to get me to understand that I was running from. To be honest, I didn't want to hear anything other than words from God that He was going to bring my little girl home to me. Nothing else. It was sort of an attitude of "God, you do what I want, and then I will listen to more. For now, this is all I want to hear".
I don't think God liked that attitude.
On the way home, I drove by a lady holding a sign that looked like this:
Something about her drew me in. I had to stop. I didn't have any cash on me to give to her, but there was a Lil' Ceasar's across the street, so I went over and got a "hot 'n ready" pizza and drove back to where she was standing. I was so nervous! I got out of the van and walked across the parking lot to her and asked if I could give her some food. She said yes, and so I asked if I could sit with her.
We spent the next hour sitting on a piece of cardboard in the parking lot of a Liquor Barn, eating pizza (i am assuming God will forgive that it wasn't on my diet since I was doing something He asked!) Her name is Lisa, and she is beautiful. I mean that. Beneath the dirt and the obvious initial distrust of my true intentions, was a lady who was stunning.
Lisa immediately asked if I was a "God person" there only to "preach" to her. Lisa has had enough of that, let me tell you. She shared with me about how she was in a church when her husband died, but the church seemed "happy to not have to deal with him anymore". It was someone in her church who called Social Services when she lost her temper and slapped her child. As Lisa said "They never stopped to ask why I was so stressed out. I was working 3 jobs and trying to keep food on the table. I hadn't slept in days when that happened, but it didn't matter". When Social Services came, she tested positive for drugs (she claims that she was taking pills to stay awake for her 3 jobs, and really, it didn't matter to me. Who am I to judge her?). They took her kids away. In a nutshell, Lisa feels like the church was quick to accuse her, but no one ever wanted to help redeem her. She actually used the word redeem. Instead, Lisa has been living on the streets for a little more than a year with no contact at all with her children. She said "I might not have hope, but at least I have pizza, right?".
I got back in the van after our lunch, drove back to the ferry, parked and cried. And I heard God whisper to me again "I needed you to hear me remind you that it's not all about you".
I'm sorry, God.
I have acted like it's all about me. I have been so focused on what I want that I have failed to see the needs of others. And Lisa reminded me that there are people out there with no hope at all. And more importantly, that I can share that hope by something as simple as a pizza.
Matthew 25:31-40 says:
1 Peter 3:15 says "If someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it".
Are you living like you have Hope?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
What do you do when you come to a dead end? Do you turn around and go back the way you came? Or do you try to make your own path? Or do you just lay down and quit, ready to stay in that same spot forever? These are the questions I find myself asking these days. You see, we have come to what appears to be a dead end in our adoption journey. On Friday we received "the call" from our agency that told us we would not be bringing Ellie home. Period.
To say that we are heartbroken doesn't even come close to describing the pain we feel right now. We are sad. We are questioning. We are confused. We are angry. We are tired.
But we still believe in God's power.
Today, I wanted to be anywhere at all except in church. Honestly, it wasn't because I am angry with God. I am not. I am just hurting, and it seems that I always cry the most in church (why is that, by the way?). I just wanted to stay home and cry by myself. Yet, my brothers and sisters in Christ strengthened me. As Jeff and I knelt at the altar, friends gathered around us to pray for us, and I felt strengthened. That's powerful, folks!
We have been given the option of stopping now, waiting until Vietnam opens again for referrals (could be years from now in all honesty), or switching to another country. And we don't know what to do. We never had a "Plan B". We trusted that God led us in this direction, and we put all of our eggs in one basket.
Today, I spent a lot of time in prayer about all of this... what we should do, where to go, how I feel, where is God in all of this.. all of that stuff. And He repeatedly brought to mind verses about standing still. I told Him that I felt like we were at a dead end, and God brought to mind the story of Moses when he led the Israelites out of Egypt. They were finally freed from slavery, and then they came to what was seemingly a dead end... the Red Sea. The Israelites, freshly freed from captivity, whined and said "Didn't we tell you to leave us alone while we were still in Egypt? Our slavery was far better than dying out here in the wilderness". (Seriously??)
Scripture goes on to say
"But Moses told the people, 'Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again. The Lord Himself will fight for you'".
As God brought that story back to my mind today, I knew that He was telling us to "stand still" and let Him fight for us. That's not easy. I am human; I prefer to know exactly how things are going to work out. But scripture also says that God's ways are not our ways, and if I really trust Him, I will let go of the need to work things out myself.
I want my little girl home. I believe that Ellie is waiting for us to come get her from wherever she may be. I believe that God brought us this far, and I believe that He is faithful to finish what He started. Please pray for us. We need some strength and encouragement right about now.
Thanks so much... we love ya'll.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Like a Rhinestone Cowgirl...
I am really not a rhinestone kind of girl, but you wouldn't know that by the looks of me these days. Right this moment I have 20 rhinestones glued to my fingernails and toenails. And it's all for Jesus. Let me explain.
For Mother's Day, this past May, Jeff and Bryan gave me a gift certificate to have my nails done. I was pretty excited because this is something I really love to do, but often feel guilty spending the money for it. Anyway, after the certificate was used up, I was in need of a "fill in" (you ladies will know what I mean), so I went to a nail salon that was closer to the house just because. yeah, right. This was a divine appointment.
The girl who worked on my nails that day started a conversation about my family. I shared about Jeff and Bryan, and I told her we were in the process of trying to adopt from Vietnam. She is from Vietnam. Coincidence? I think not. This started a huge discussion about the whole adoption process which finally led to the question "Why would you go to Vietnam to get a baby?". I answered her honestly, "Because we really feel like that's where God wanted us to go. I don't know any other way to explain it". She was stunned, telling me that it was unbelievable that God would tell anyone to go to Vietnam. She then pointed out that she was wearing a buddha necklace. She told me that she and the other ladyd working there worshipped buddha, and she asked me if I believed in him. I said no; she asked why. So, I told her that my God was the One True living God,and that was something she could not say about buddha. She changed the subject, and it was time to go.
For my next visit, I prayed so hard before going in, for God to give me the opportunity to start a new conversation. I was put with another girl named Kelly. To be honest, I was disappointed, but I walked to her station. Much to my surprise, she said "I was hoping you would come back. Tell me more about your God". We had a wonderful conversation about how God loves everyone, no matter what our backgrounds are or even if we love Him back. She asked me about how I talked to Him, and we talked about prayer. Finally, she said "So pray for me", and I told her I would. She said, "Do it now".
So we prayed right there. It was beautiful.
And all the while, I kept telling her to do more things so I could stay longer. I got the pedicure too. Then I agreed to let her paint a flower on my toes. I didn't care. I just wanted more time to talk to her.
For my last visit, she added a design to my fingernails too. All the while we prayed together and talked about what it meant to follow God. She asked me so many questions. She was shocked when I said that God wanted me to be her friend even if she didn't believe in Him. We talked about God's commands to love our enemies, and she asked if I loved her. When I said yes, she asked if I was gay. Seriously.
Today I had another appointment. I was nervous when I went in, wanting the chance to talk some more. She started some small talk, often telling me that "nothing in life is free". When I didn't respond the way she had wanted, she finally said "You are supposed to say that your God is free. I want to talk about His free gift!". She asked what it meant when I had told her that God's love for us is a free gift if we will just take it. She asked how I could "know" someone I couldn't see. She asked me if going to church meant knowing God, and I explained that it was part of it, but not everything. We talked about how you can know about God but not really know Him personally. I explained it like us getting to know our husbands and spending lots of time with them. The more we know, the more we love. And after all these years, we still are learning new things. I even told her that the Bible tells us that our relationship with Christ is like a marriage. She didn't like that one, asking me if I was polygamous :) She was open, honest, reflective and searching for Truth.
As we talked, she got excited, and she told me "Today I will give you something special for your nails". I briefly envisioned tiny buddhas on my hands and feet. But, she gave me flowers made of tiny rhinestones glued together. Yeah, baby. I am blinging. 4 flowers made of 5 rhinestones each = 20 rhinestones.
I feel sort of odd walking around with this much glitter on me. But every time I look at these little flowers, I think of Kelly, and I pray for her. She is searching for Truth. I know the Truth, and it has set me free. I told her today about my salvation experience, and I asked her if she was interested in knowing more. She said yes, but then she also said that her husband would be very angry if she learned more about God, and so would the rest of her family. We stopped talking then. She's my friend, and she was getting scared. I don't want to force her into anything. I want her to know I genuinely care for her.
I can't wait to see what she'll put on me next time! I guess I will be blinging all summer long.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Live life to the fullest
I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences. I believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that sometimes we never know what the reason may be... at least for a long time. Sometimes I think God just chooses to put us somewhere to be used, and we have to trust the He sees the big picture. I had one of those kinds of situations this weekend.
Saturday morning, I took Bryan to the church for a hike with the youth group. On my way home, I was the first to come upon a three car accident that had just happened (well, at least the first to stop). Honestly, I stopped because I saw a guy holding a little girl on the side of the road and crying. I rolled down the window and asked if everyone was okay. He said "Everyone in our car is, but I am not sure about him. He hasn't gotten out yet" and pointed to a truck that was nose down in a ditch and smoking horribly.
I parked the truck and got out to take a look. I couldn't get to the driver's door at all, since there was a deep trench underneath it. I went around to the passenger's side and had to crawl through the window to get to the guy. He was bleeding from the mouth profusely, and more importantly, he was not responding at all. No pulse. No breathing. No life. The man was dead.
I am not going to go into all the details of what happened. Suffice it to say that it was the most horrifying thing I have seen, and I was scared to death. I don't know how I remained calm at the time other than to say it was God. I did chest compressions for him as best I could with him sitting up (there was no way to move him at all until all the rescue squad got there because of the position of the truck). Once EMS got there, I was able to assist them and helped with the breathing via the ambu bag. In the end, we finally got him out and into the ambulance where they did CPR for about 20 minutes before taking him to the hospital. From there, he was transferred to UK hospital and is now in the trauma ICU in a coma.
Scripture says " For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities and powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm" (Eph. 6:12) I feel that. Ever since Saturday, I have battled the "evil" that has spoken to me "you should have done more Holly. You should have breathed for him". I didn't breathe for him before EMS arrived. I admit that I was scared. I saw the blood, and I was scared. I know that's how I am trained; I have to use precaution. But then I hear "you should have had a barrier with you, then he would be okay". The truth is that we will never know if that man would be okay or not if I had breathed for him as soon as I got into his truck. Today in my prayer time, I just confessed to God that I wished I had been able to do more; I want that man to be able to walk out of that hospital and live an abundant life. That may never happen, I know.
All of these thoughts bring me to this conclusion: we have to live with an eternal perspective. I've said it here before, but never have I been more aware of it than now. We are not guaranteed another minute. Make the most of the here and now. Live with your heart focused on the prize of our forever Home with the Lord. Take in each moment. Love your family without hesitation. Love your neighbor as yourself. Live with purpose. I know I am.
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