40 Days of Prayer for the Orphan!!

Please join me in this wonderful movement, as we go to the throne on behalf of the 147 million orphans in our world. Click on the link for a prayer guide for the 40 days.

My heart is passionate about the orphan, not because of Ellie, but because the Word of God tells me it should be. I pray that yours is too!

The Pain of Parenting...

Last weekend, we took our first family trip out of town (other than to visit family) since Ellie has come home. It was her first time in a hotel since being home with us. She was excited at first about sleeping there. She thought it was "awesome" that we were all going to sleep in the same room. She had worn herself out during the day, so she went to sleep before we ever finished singing our goodnight song.

When Ellie woke up, Jeff had gone out for a run, and Bryan was still asleep. The room was still dark, thanks to the wonder of darkening shades! Ellie popped her head up by my bed, and said "Good morning!", just like she would any day at home. She climbed up in bed beside me, but instead of hugging me, she just started sobbing.

My first thought was that she was scared because we were not at home. She kept repeating that she was "so sad", but every time I asked her why, she only responded "I can't say it!". I held her and held her while she sobbed. I cried along with her, whispered to her that I loved her. When she was finally calm enough to talk, she said "Mommy, we don't have any food here. We can't eat".

That sweet baby girl thought that we were not going to eat all day because there was no food in our hotel room. I immediately explained to her that we were going to breakfast as soon as Jeff got back. I have never gotten ready so fast in my life! Ellie cried until the pancakes she ordered were placed in front of her and cut up, then proceeded to gorge herself by eating every bite on her plate (more than I ate even!)

It struck me as I watched her stuff herself that she wasn't sure that she would eat again that day. She was making sure that she had enough in her to last a good long time just in case there was no more. She has been with us for 8 months, and yet, she still does not expect from us that we will feed her AT LEAST three times a day, every day. It is instilled deep within her that she should not expect it.

My heart was broken, not only at the thought of what horrors had she lived through to come to that place, but also at the fact that there is so much of her life that I had no part of, that I could not protect. There is a part of her life that was hurtful, and I don't know what all is there yet. There are deep wounds in her life, and I could not stop them from happening. My "momma instincts" say that I should have protected her, fed her, kept her from all hurt.

But I couldn't. She had to endure the hurt of her birth mom making a plan for her adoption, a plan that for Ellie included some time in the care of other family members who hurt her, time in places where she had no food for who knows how long. It was a plan done out of a love that I cannot fathom, if truth be told. I have such great admiration and love for Ellie's birth mother. I believe with all of my heart that her birth mom loves her completely, and that her acts were the most unselfish thing I've ever witnessed. But they still hurt.

And then I read this: "From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?', which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:45-46)

Jesus felt abandoned, alone, fearful even when he was about to die on that cross. I'm sure in his humanness, he had to wonder "why?". Maybe he was thinking "How is this going to work for good?". Yet, God, in His infinite wisdom, was working a plan. He willingly let Jesus go through that hurt, knowing that in the end, Jesus would sit at His right hand, with his Father. He would never hurt again. He would be HOME.

And as I read that, I realized that Ellie's journey is just beginning. She has walked a road of courage WAY beyond her years, Grace that is beyond my imagination, determination and strength that could only be of the Lord. She has survived, only by the Grace of God. And I believe in my heart that God wanted me to see that He understood my pain at not having been there to stop her hurt. Because He didn't stop Jesus' hurt either.

I believe that His ways are perfect. I believe that He has a purpose and a plan to prosper Ellie (Jeremiah 29:11), just as He does all of us. I believe that He wants me to celebrate each and every moment with her, even the ones where she is afraid, sad or confused.

Especially those moments. For now, I AM here to comfort her.


Oh God, thank you for speaking so clearly to me and for letting me know you understand my momma's heart. You are a parent too, God. Thank you for having a heart that breaks at your Son's pain and death on the cross, but also for your adopted sons and daughters who try to do life without you every day. Thank you for listening and teaching when things don't make sense to me. Thank you for reminding me that you love me deeply, that you love my children deeply, more than I could ever begin to understand. Thank you for protecting Ellie from whatever could have come her way. Thank you for instilling within her the spunk and grit to make it through. Thank you for allowing her to be a little girl now, to not have to fend for herself anymore. Help her to realize that she is safe here, that she will always be fed here. Remind her that she is at Home now. Thank you for blessing me with this amazing family that I could never deserve. You are awesome and mighty, and I praise you Lord. Amen

Running the Race...

I am currently engaged in what is likely the most difficult thing I've ever challenged myself to. It's hard, grueling even. It's rewarding, yet takes more of me than I ever imagined possible. It's fulfilling, yet has stripped away much of the wall I had built around myself. It's beautiful and ugly all at once.

I am training for a mini marathon that will be held on April 24, 2010.

I am not a runner by nature. I am nowhere near it, if truth be told. Sadly, I've spent the past years (lots of them) sitting on the sidelines, feeling as though I wasn't worth being in the race at all... any kind of race.

But no more.

In the past couple of years, God has healed so many hurts in my heart and my life. He has truly renewed in me a steadfast spirit (Psalm 51). He has taken hurts from my past and allowed them to be used for good now. He has restored me. He has placed people in my life that have taught me that it's okay to be real, and that I can risk being vulnerable. It's been slow and painful, yet it's been beautiful. I feel whole.

Many of you know that in my past is sexual assault/abuse. I've never talked about it here, but I feel the need to do so now. Some of you may have walked that road as well. If so, know that you are not alone. Know that healing is possible and worth the work! Part of my journey has caused me to doubt myself, and that's one of the greatest parts of healing. I'm learning again the worth that God gives me through His Son. WOW... I'm amazed at how much He loves me!

This April marks 20 years since I was assaulted. In the years since that time, April has been hard to face. It brings back memories that are hard to handle sometimes, even after all of these years. A few years I have been sad, disconnected, defeated.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR!

This year, I am whole, content, connected, ready to face the memories, knowing that they are just that.. memories. And memories cannot hurt me! So, I will run. I will run for the joy that God has restored in me. I will run for the freedom I feel in Christ. I will run to celebrate the pure joy that my family gives to me each and every day. I will run to show all other survivors that God heals all, and you are not the abuse you have endured. You are more than that. I will run to celebrate the fact that I am beautifully made in the image of the Creator of all that is and is to come.

I will run as a praise to God. Each step of that 13 miles will be a worship experience. I will run what I can, walk when I need to. And I will smile, knowing that God has brought about more healing and restoration in me than I ever dreamed possible.

Pray for me. I'm afraid. I doubt my ability to finish, yet I will persevere.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hunders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". Hebrews 12:1-2

A letter to my children...

This week at work, I overheard a conversation between a mother and her two children, in which she told them "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Don't worry, kids. Mom can make you happy no matter what. Let's go to Walmart, then McDonalds". My heart was broken from that conversation. There is NOTHING at Walmart or McDonalds that will ever bring about lasting joy. Happiness if temporary sweet friend. Anyway, all of that led me to spend some time thinking about what it is that I have taught my children that I desperately want for them. So, here it is...

Dear Bryan & Ellie,

You may find it hard to believe what I'm about to write here, but please hear me out before you freak out!

As your mom, I have many things that I want and pray for in your lives. But, I do NOT want you to be happy. (I told you it would be surprising; hear me out here!)

For the past year or so, God has really been dealing with me on this, the idea of being happy in life. And the more I've learned, the more I want to pass along to you, my legacy. You see kids, happiness is something that is determined by your situation in life. It's fleeting, to say the least. I'm happy when I get a good buy on a sweet purse. But a purse will never change my life. I'm happy when you pick up your toys or dirty clothes. But when you don't, where does that leave me? Happiness is a great thing, don't get me wrong; it feels good. Real good. But when I think of what it is that I want most for your lives, it's just not there.

I've watched both of you experience happiness. Bryan, you are happy when you get a drum beat down or when you get the "okay" on having a band practice here at the house. But what about those days that we can't have your friends over, or the beat is too hard to perfect in one practice session. What do you feel then? Ellie, you are happy when you are getting beads in your hair or getting a book read to you. But what about the times we have to tell you "no" about the book or whatever it is you want to play? Will your happiness fade with each "no" you get in life?

Really kids, it's not that I don't ever want you to experience happiness; it's just that it's not my goal for you to be happy all of your lives. And I don't want it to be your goal either. I never want to watch you spend your life chasing after something that is always contingent on your surroundings. Because let me tell you, your surroundings will change all the time, from year to year, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment.

So, what DO I want for you?? Well, for one thing, I want you to be CONTENT.

Contentment is so much better than happiness, kids. Seriously better. Contentment is that crazy thing that makes us still smile, even though we didn't get our way, didn't get a raise (in allowance or at work), didn't finish a project when we had hoped, when a friend treats us not-so-friendly, when we have to do homework instead of play, when we can't go out to eat because we are doing the Dave Ramsey thing. Contentment comes from within. And within those of us who have a relationship with Christ, the Spirit of God is living in us. THAT is what gives contentment kids.

In Scripture, Paul went through some tough times... some would say horrible times. Yet, he said this.. "I've have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want". (Phil 4:11b-12)

That is what I want for you kids. I want you to be at peace with your Father, no matter what the world is throwing your way. There will be times in your life when everything you touch works well. And sadly, there will be times when nothing seems to go your way. Yet God is always the same, always with you, always loving you, always forgiving. That gives contentment. My prayer is that you learn to grasp that in your lives.

Contentment leads to spiritual maturity, I do believe. It helps us to realize the blessings of our lives. It is never going to be the materialistic things in life that give you peace, joy and fulfillment. Only God can bring about lasting contentment. I pray you are able to find it. Life is one heck of a ride, kids! Make each moment count!

I love you,
Mom~

where did the time go?

This weekend, Bryan celebrates his 14th birthday... sort of. (He was born on February 29th, 1996, so technically he is only 3 1/2 this year!) It's hard to believe he's already 14... seems like just yesterday he was a tiny little thing, and now he's taller than me (not that that's real tall, but you get my drift).

Bryan is a blessing. I don't know how else to put it. He has brought more joy to my life than I ever thought possible. He has made me want to be a better person. He's made me try harder in things, and he's made me want to be more brave in life. He is a miracle, no doubt. I remember vividly being told that I would never be able to have children. Yet, here he is. I thank God for the honor of being his mom every day.

Bryan, you are a true joy. You make me laugh harder than anyone else can. You make me cry sometimes too (not always in a bad way either :)). You have more talent than I ever could hope for myself. You are a gifted musician, writer, encourager and leader. I pray every day that you will submit all of those gifts to the Lord, and allow Him to lead you in life. I see in you so much potential to change the world. Even at 14, you can make a difference. You DO make a difference in my life, in our home, and in our family.

You are a blessing to parent. I love being your mom. I love picking you up at school and talking about your day. I love hearing you play drums. I love seeing you laugh as you wrestle with your dad. It's been an honor to watch you as a big brother this year. You are an awesome brother!!

Never give in to the pressure to be something or someone you are not made to me. Trust God to direct you. Trust His word. Stay in His word. Carry it in your heart with you always. Stand up for injustice always, as you already do. Make the world a better place just by being you. And always know that I love you so much, and I'm so thankful you are my son!


Happy birthday, Bryan. I can't wait to share this weekend with you!!

Love,
Mom~

Happy Valentine's Day...

not just today, but every day of every year. I'll be yours forever.

Your rugged good looks still turn me on.
Your compassion for others still makes me want to do more.
Your love for God is contagious.
Your leadership in our home is incredible.
Your integrity is unmatched.
You still make my liver quiver!

I love you... forever and ever and ever...

Love, Bird~

Happy anniversary

6 months ago this past Tuesday, I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. After years of praying for her, I finally had my hands on her. The feeling was incredible, and words here will never describe it.

Some have asked how our lives have changed in the past 6 months. Well, here are but a few ways:

1. We have to ask for a table of 4 now (I still love the sound of that!)
2. Our house is filled with pink.
3. Baby dolls and their clothes frequently find their way all over the house
4. The sight of a tutu makes me smile.
5. I've learned the characters of Dora the Explorer
6. I sing "Magdalena Hagdalena" and "Ida May" every day.. at least twice each
7. Someone wants me to sing to them every night again (love it!)
8. I get kisses from one more person every day.. many times
9. Whining has returned to the Prosser household (we're working on that one)
10. Hair beads are the cat's favorite toy
11. I find myself gravitating to the little girl's department in every store I go to.
12. Date night is harder to come by, but twice as enjoyable!
13. Childcare is back in the budget
14. Pull ups are back in the budget
15. Goldfish are back in the budget
16. I've become a hairbow snob.. I am very picky about the ones I like!
17. Prayer time at the dinner table is long as Ellie prays for all of her friends at each meal.
18. There is a feeling of contentment in our home, that we are complete.
19. There is never silent moment in our home (really funny since we were told at one point that she was nonverbal)
20. Our hearts are full of love and peace as God has made it clear that she was the perfect child for our family!
21. Bryan shares his parents (and does so with much grace, I must say!)
22. Jeff has learned to do hair.
23. Laundry has increased exponentially (girls really do wear a lot of clothes!)
24. Tights are a source of great joy.
25. Anything that glitters is good.
26. Our eyes are opened to the poverty around the world.
27. We have a burning desire to help put clean water around the globe.
28. Sharing our story is vital to our survival now. we HAVE to tell what God has done.
29. We dance every day.
30. I have a keen awareness that there is still more for us that God has in store.

Ellie, Happy 6 month Anniversary with our family! We love you dearly.
Bryan, Happy 6 month Anniversary as a big brother. You are ROCKING your role! I'm so proud of who you are and the brother you are to Ellie.
Jeff, Happy 6 month anniversary on being a dad to a daughter. You are so tender and sweet with her!!

Ellie has learned so much in the past 6 months. It's amazing to think that just 6 months ago, she knew no English. Now, she is fluent, can count to 15, knows her letters, can write her name, and is starting to work on her colors! God amazes me more and more every day through my children! What a blessing to be their mom!

I love my family!